The thing about...

The thing about concerns..

2012-02-01T16:38:00.002+08:00

Dear readers,

Very recently many things have changed. I don't work for a tyre company anymore, I work in the agriculture business. Huge change. Tough decision. In early 2011 I did what I never thought I would do..I quit my job.

That shall always remain monumental to me. Shifting from the comfort of knowing what to expect to " ohhh God did I make the right choice?". Concerns normally surface, mostly they are based on financial reasons. You know, the how do you pay for this now, the bills and and and. Then it occurred to me how easily we are bounded by this chain of materialistic dependency.

For example, ok so you still are servicing a high loan for that fancy car you bought, but you can sell it and buy a smaller car just to get by. You don't need Astro cause its just repeating the shows anyway and plus you can just go to the nearest internet cafe and spend not more than 5 bucks to spend more than enough time to watch your shows on Youtube. You might, have trouble when it comes with the house rent or monthly installments, but nothing that a discussion with a bank of default forwarded payments can't handle.

In short, there are temporary solutions. Yes, you have to get up on your ass and find a job after that and yes that might not be easy. But you can start a business. Go to a bank and ask for a loan to start an enterprise. Maybe. The options are endless. The point is there are options and they come with risks. But what is the point is also that your comfortable 9-5 job you so take for granted of having now will always be at risk. And nothing is written in stone that you will live life as is forever.

And thus here I am. Yes I got a new job. I don't know what its all about but time and effort and hopefully hard work will help remedy that. So, we move on.

Thus the thing about concerns is...its nice to ponder on it, waffle on it, sleep on it, make gracious love on it if you want but then just take an action on it. And look not back but the future. On that point comes as well our concerns..2012. Will the end of the world come? Would Israel wage war on Iran? Would we go through another huge depression? Is the dollar stable? Would I get married? Is my health ok? I say lets build on factors we can influence and just do it. And here is a list:

1) If the world ends 2012 - Decide to live or die? To live, study what are potential forms of the earth's destruction and figure out best survival measures. If it means going to Tibet, to higher ground or build a ship then do it. Or if well, accept death then just maintain status qou.

2) Would there be a world nuclear war? - Maybe, if so build a survival bunker.

3) Would there be a financial depression? - If so, start saving and learn to cook. Cause selling food is always good business regardless.

4) Is the USD gonna stay up/down - Maybe not then start buying tangible things that can be used for barter trade later like gold.

5) Would I get married? - Maybe not but doesn't mean you can't build a life that does matters to someone, join charity. If its getting laid/sex is of your concerns than, depends on your religious views, there are available options...hehe won't suggest here..go figure.

6) Is my health ok? - Maybe not, than take small steps to improve, change your diet, stop smoking and drinking too much alcohol and and.

These are just examples and are ment to highlight the fact that life is about choices we make and not PhDs or Nobel prizes. Thus live life people. Live it to the fullest. Concern yourself not of what can't be done, and lets embrace what can be done...

The thing about time...it does heal

2012-01-07T18:53:00.002+08:00

Hey ya'll. Hows it going.

Been along time since I started to write again. Haha but I have sooooo many stories to tell I tell ya. Banyak giler k. But donno where to start. Ok lets do this. I will be outstation tis whole January. Will be in Wutha-Faroda. So will try get a solid story through guys.

Till then, I wish to officially announce.....I AM BACKKKKKKKK

Time to move on...

2008-12-26T11:48:00.003+08:00

Dear Friends, Bloggers, The world,

Its getting harder and harder to update now. I know its lame to say, I'm busy, a lot of stuff lah to do and what not..but, thats it I guess. Some can just feel content in knowing that they have updated their blog with something. Nope. Not me. An update should be monumental. Thats just me I guess.

Ok, updates..I'm going through this dilemma. Ok, at this point people who know me will say, why talk about work Amad..again! Well hang on, hold your horses, whats wrong with being passionate with what you do? Ok, so I was offerred to take control of engineering. I was from engineering for 6 years ago, then was sent to production and now they want me to replace the current manager. Problem is..he is a friend.

Me and Francis. Good title for a movie ya. Francis and me go way back. He was my mentor and my boss when I started. Here's the thing, there is still sentiment in the plant that Malays know less and technically unsound on the technology/engineering stuff compared to the Chinese. Sad to say, its kinda true. But I decided to prove the masses wrong. I took every single abused lashed at me as an encouragement to do better. Those who know me then knew that my life was all work. This resilience started to take notice and Francis started to open to me by saying," ..one of these days I'll probably drop dead due to something.., its about time I teach someone what I know." Thats exactly what he did.

Francis was the first son of a char kuey teou peddler. He was taken in as an apprentice in 1977 and ascended to his current post as Plant Engineering Manager. He was involved in 90% of the commissioning of machines and technology training in this plant. He has also single handedly save the company 2.3 million with his developement of our own mixer controls and assisted Sumitomo industries in Japan for the developement of the now much acclaim RJS 7 PCR making machine, a best selling making machine from this manufacturer. You bet ya when he wanted to hand down his knowledge it was an honour. And I incurred the silent wrath and jealousy amongst colleagues as he never, I repeat never revealed his knowledge to anyone till I came.

The trainning was tough. Just like the kung fu movies, you need to crawl to get the knowledge. Biasalah chinamen style. After all the abuse, and even making me cry twice..I never gave up and sought to acquire as much knowledge as I could from Francis. Times past, I was known by my colleagues as Yang Mar - Dragonblood Malay. A name that harboured 2 meanings; one that i was not a typical malay and two that I was also like a vampire who sucked knowledge from the sifus. I was fine with it becouse the efforts were starting to show.

To put it simple, I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for Francis. And the best thing was, we became really good friends. We hang out a lot after work. Talking about life, the hard times, Malay-chinese relationship, family values and all. I started to build a friendship that I thought could never be built. Then we seperated. Francis was assigned to take up half a project and I was promoted to take up the other half. So, from subordinate, now colleagues. The friendship never ended.

In particular, there was a time I was having a problem during commissioning. It lasted for nearly 40 hrs straight. It was then the chinese new year holiday. By chance he heard the problem from my technician who spoke to him by phone asking for advice. Francis called said if I needed help. I said no I'll handle things. That time we spoke was at 2.30am. However. Francis, without any professional obligation to be there, came at 3am. We went through the problem togather and had the machine up by 10am the next morning. I asked him why he came to help and he replied," I knew you must be in trouble and I came to help". It was his holiday. He had a family who needed him to drive them down to Penang the next morning. He just said, " Nah get my wife to drive maaaahh. At least now you can sleep kan?"

So, later I became a business unit manager and he took helm as Plant Engineering Manager. Thats when the problem came. Technical people are good at what they do but somehow, in the eyes of top management his management skills were perceived as insufficient. I do not know what people saw in my form of management but by the grace of Ar-Rahman I was blessed with results. So management put two-and-two togather and figured to try an engineering-based production business unit manager will be a good angle to try and shape the engineering since he has married the 2 core manufacturing functional teams into one.

But that wasn't the final reason. Unbeknowest to me, in Francis's personal file he cited my name as his immediate successor. And in his last employee dialog he mentioned again when ask of his succession, he said," I do not know of your plans for Amad..but I hope that you consider him as my replacement should something ever happens to me". Tis he answered the HR Director.

And the person to break the news to me was Francis himself. It was hard to take it in as I feared that maybe he was being lett-off. I rushed to meet the HR Director to get a final confirmation and he told me that I need to decide how to use Francis, and that if he stays.. he reports to me.

Francis..my friend. You have always been there for me and always had my back. And now I look blank on my org chart trying to make his function work..still staring.....but I think I found an angle.

So, as said, thus that is my monumental event so far. I will, I think, will not have time to update about my blog anymore. I'll still keep it on, just to flip through to read my ol post for nostalgia. Maybe update if the time permits and something does come up worth blogging about..maybe just to announce if i'm getting married hahaha. But the new job is tough.

I wanted to write about something else actually but thought why should we write about stuff emotionally and regret the consequences. What is said can never be taken back. And scars will heal but deep ones leave a mark. I guess the reason I thought, of all my other monumental updates, like falling in love-being dumped again, new found freindships with uni friends and the status of my social activities like salsa, the one most important was the realisation of a friendship lifecycle.

And like Francis..we do meet other people. Other important people that come into our lives. To stay on and keep a single friendship alive is a behemoth task, and many painfull roads down the way. And sometimes the ones that were once close to you..moved on. You know this when they cant have a decent conversation with you but keep asking about, 'ade girlfren ke tak?' After that..awkward silence..Sometimes the other half that pines for the friendship should realise the futile hope when the another moves on. And like Francis, and like Feizal and like Rambo and like..all the other important ones, old or new in our lives, a friend is one that above all puts others needs before their own. And the world still holds a portion of these people in population. I guess at this point we just say goodbye to the the old and cherish the ones that are relevent to us.

In conclusion, thank you my fellow bloggers for your supports, and honest comments. Thank you for even just reading the first 3 lines couse I know i can be overdramatic when writing. Thank you for being patient for the ones that actually took time to read through till the end, only realising that I lost the plot half-way at paragraph 3. And thank you for those whom have included me in their blogs to follow, I appologise if I had directly or indirectly hurt anyone along this course of blogging from my views or opinions or comments. To all, I wish you all the best. Goodbye...... Thank you.

Thank you...

Soundtracks....

2008-09-24T12:44:00.003+08:00

I was checking out some blogs the other day and came across this young blogger, Hanis, who wrote about the song of her life. After reading through, it made me reflect towards the songs in my life. She ask her fellow bloggers to tell her what particular song were important to them. Thats when I realise that for myself, it was'nt just a song... but songs. And with that here are some collection of songs that for their reasons have left an impact in my 29 years of existance:

THE EARLY YEARS
Nursery rhymes. My favorite..Incy wincy spider. Reason being my late mother would like to geletek me with her fingers whislt singing this. It was so much fun..and back then mengeletek budak kecik as they call it was an incessant habit amongst the elders. Like lahh the elders had other better things to do. However, the point that I had this cute small dimple when I smiled did not help my relentless efforts to plead the elders to stop mengeletek either. Ahh aa but then..thats the best part of having a younger sibling..thou shall be mangsa seterusnye. Kesian Suraya...in my defence; Its Tradition!

FIRST MUSIC INFLUENCE
Back in primary I started to actually take interest in music at the age of 11 years. Back then Muzik Muzik was hip and trust me, before Astro created a storm with Akademi Fantasia, even before American/Malaysian Idol was dominating the media viewers..Juara Lagu was the Bomb. Who could not forget the clash of 1990 when Search's Isabella went head-to-head with Wings's Taman Rasyidah Utama. It was a close fight, with each band trying to outdo each other vocally, musically, style and ball-squeezing-butt-clenching leather pants and hair-curlers. It was amusing to see the more uncomfartable the pants looked, the more stable and higher the pitching of their voices. Alas it was Search's Issabella that triumphed and for the next couple of years nothing but.."Dia...Isabella, Lambang cinta yang nyata".

How influential was this song? Let me just say, sampai nenek-nenek dan makcik-makcik from 60 years till 80 years were even humming the song. Not to mention it was even a proud moment for parents at that time to showcase how their new child, at a timid age of probably 2/3 years, would sing the chorus to that song. It was a song so recognisable, so instantaneously acknowledge and had the longest airplay in M'sian history (then!). And for me..it was the first song I was able to play on the 1st string of a guitar.

YEAR OF THE RAPI do not know what possesed me at that point. But I gues thanks to radio shows like American Top 40 (on radio 4 then) it was the age of rap. Two very important things happened in the 90's , rap and Will Smith. The opening to fresh prince of bel air theme was more or less the catalyst to the generation at that time. The tv show was a much watched and popular show shown on TV3. It was considered un-hip to have not watch or missed a fresh prince episode. It was at this age that I had my first crush on a girl. And she liked rap music. Specifically vanilla ice. It was a competition amongst my classmates to see who could sing Ice Ice baby without making a mistake. And I remember that this period was also giving birth to the age of the baggy pants. God...what was I thinking!!!

IN MY OPINION ROCK SAVE ME

In my early teenage years, I started to take up guitar playing seriously. This led to me buying a lot of guitar magazines to grab hold of tablature transcripts to popular songs I wanted to learn. It was hard to find the songs you wanted to play on magazines. It usually depends on whats famous that time, and thats only when it would get published. It was one fatefull evening, I got a guitar mag for my birthday by my late mom. It did not have any songs I wanted, but, she knew I like reading them and bought it regardless. I never took any attention to the album review section but decided to perused and read through to see what was interesting at that time. What cought my eye was the review of the Soundgarden album, SuperUnkown. I miss-intepreted the concept of 'melancholy and beatleisque' to mean the band was a happy-happy melodic ensamble. Bought the album and to my shock, was blasted with the infusing angst and banshee wails of Chris Cornell. Here I was standing in front of my radio speakers being impaled by the wall of guitar distortion, welcoming grunge rock in its most finest.

It was hard to swollow at first, but after awhile it all kinda sinked in...and I was then totally converted. Maka bermulalah zaman rock grunge and alternative music saya. Though later on, my list of listening evolved to Pearl Jam, The Stooges, Velvet Undeground, Stone Temple Pilots, Foo Fighters..and and and, it cannot be denied my admiration for them them stemmed from that first scream and thumping riff of The SoundGardens.

As my skills in guitar playing progress, so did the hunger to be technically proficient. In simple terms, that means nak jadi a bad-ass guitar player. I had enough of power chords and riffing highly distorted guitar. Also going up and down on the guitar neck playing scales as fast as humanly possible is a skill but not a musical expression. I wanted challenges and wanted to explore guitar playing at its finest. That got me into jazz. Acid, funky jazz to be specific. And the song that did it all was Virtual Insanity by Jamiroquai. A friend set up a challange for me to figure out the piano opening using the guitar. It took me close to a month to figure it out but once I did it was so cool to play. You see Jamiroquai did not showcase the guitar extensively. No. But it was the successfull attempt to transcribe the song in guitar and improvise accordingly opened up my eyes to music interpretation, styling and soul. I guess it was the song that told me anything is possible with the guitar. And I never looked back.

As we get older, we accumulate experiences. The good and the bad. But mostly the bad sometimes overwhelm the good even if it is as minicule as an atom. The harder the challanges, the higher we go in life, the harder we fall. Being a Muslim its hard not to fall into the trappings of the comfort pill. But with every indulgence, regret is close by. However in spiritual grace comfort is more meaningfull. And for that the greatest loss that Malaysia have is the parting of one of the greatest lyricist of our time...Loloq.

But in M Nasir, he lives eternally in these songs. Nowdays, its these Nusantara and M Nasir's earlier works that lullaby me to rest from the humdrums of the hectic and ruthless world.

So thats it. The songs of my life. It can all be well described by Loloq when he said:

"Sedang tuhan, tahu sesiapa..untuk neraka untuk syurga. Aku kan terpaksa, memilih syurga, demi pengertian ku pada hukum alam. Dan sesunggunya, aku cinta, padamu tuhan walaupun sesat jalan."

Oh my God, what was the fuss all about?

2008-09-07T21:31:00.002+08:00

Its Ramadhan. Thank God. Its the one and only month that its actually hip to be holy. I cant imagine I said that. But lets be honest...even my true blue clubbing friends are staying it off to attend Terawih prayers. Reasons are obviouslah...nak mintak ampun dan maaf.

Not that I club that much. Just sometimes I hang around some friends who do. But that is running out of the topic I wish to mention.

I had this sudden epiphany while driving to work 3 days ago. Standard stuck in a jam coz decided to take a few minutes (which ment extra 2 hours) of sleep after Subuh. Things got me thinking. Trust me as all would realise after leading quite a free-wandering life for a bit..I must say I accumulated a fare share of things I was not suppose to do. Ya ya you might argue that whats right or wrong is ones point of view...well at some point a person must define himself..and for me I feel I wish to define myself in what I believe in..

In short..life is kinda easy, if you think about it. Its the sticking to your principles and holding strong to faith thats what hard. Senang je nak concentrate in what your doing but try to do that to your ibadat? Very sure most of us fall flat on our faces.

The reasons I keep referring to ibadat is becouse..after all the care that my friends have been giving, and support from family.. I find peace in knowing that all cobaan dunia comes for a reason. And part of the thing here that helped me get over my recent heartache was...yes you know it..getting closer to God.

Ok..some will argue where does salsa fall into this? I'm not saying I'm perfect kan! But the crowd of people in that community are nice and most of them are not half drunk on the dance floor. So ..one step at a time Ahmad..one step at a time.

This brings me to my problem of love. So whats the big deal. I know now what really matters to me. And yes I know now what I have lost. And what I want to have back. So its a responsibility to find that soulmate. The one partner in your life.

Hang on. Found it. Yup. It was staring me in the face. Whatever I have denied cannot be denied. Though the feelings might not be there as what it use too. Over the years the desire I guess had faded, but faded it has just been. In time hopefully with a small but clear efforts to polish it up..it shall shine as bright as it was before.

What is important..what matters..a good heart, stable, fluent english (dont ask me about this), sweet, beautifull, kind, respective to elders, able to converse with my friends and accept me as who I am, knows everything about me but embraces the differences, intelligent..very intelligent, succesfull, independent and emotionally stable...what more..most importantly unhitched!!

So what am I waiting for? Exactly. Nak kawin kan? Want a great mother to a child and one that your children look up to kan?. Also proven track record of caring for your late mom when she was ill..translated to know what to do with your dad when he's is under the weather.

Thats it Ahmad. Go out there and get the girl. She already exist. Will you end up togather again?..Only God knows but here is God giving you a chance again..and with His blessing I seek that it be true.

So what if I failed again. At least I bled trying. And thats life.

Too many thoughts....

2008-08-27T18:59:00.002+08:00

Funny how we have soo much to say, but fall short once in front of the computer. I have been wanting to write about many stuff, but couldnt find the time. Told myself, "Alah, just open up your blog and start writelah." Well, now in front of PC...and still blurrr.

What can we say ya. I find my other friends who have blogs juat update themselves about almost anything. Then again, the thing about blogs is, we hope somehow or rather people will read it and comment. Ahhh but then if its so, then blogging becomes some kinda commercial interlude, which defeats the purpose of an onlie diary eh!

First things first, all hail the arrival of Princess Jada. So happy for my best bud for his first daughter. Hmmm banyak muka Juan. Baguslah ikut mak dia yang hot! Haha. Wishing for one of my own now. Also Eju and Mus also hails their lil bambino. A warm welcome to baby Noah.

Ok. Latest is salsa. I've been trying to get on it since I was introduced to it by my ol friend during one night merayau-rayau at bukit bintang. Long ago Little Havana was..as the name described..little. It was a small lot which is now occupied by this pub called Brasil. I was amazed at how friendly the atmosphere and how people were having a great time. Also the moves..ohhhh those moves. Ok, how can I lie that certain portions of the ladies were clad in their bustiers...most propably the reason I was game.

It took me 2 years to realise this. A friend Aishah got my interest back into this becouse she agreed to be my partner. Took it beginning of the year and was one of my best decisions I made this year. Now I'm in improvers 2, which technically means I'm not bad, but honestly I need a lot of practice to smoothen up the moves more. Which comes to the next problem...practice. Soo limited time, but frequenting clubs help. Problem is, the man's role to lead is very important and I am struggling at the moment to convey clear leads to the ladies. Working hard people, working hard on it.

Strikes an interesting story..most of the ladies in the clubs are really good. So much so, I dare say at certain advance level. So here's the thing, as you progress in class, most moves that was covered in basic would be the base for routines that combine different complex variations. The trick is to have clear leads to have the partner responding correctly to what you want them to do. Hehehehe, so mua had a horrible time when i was dancing with this gorgeous lady, called Vivian and basic open break moves, due to my confusing pressure/signals from my hands/body momentum got her going into these complex turns and side steps. I had to go,' Whoah whats that..hang on aaaaa what do I do next?"

Sheesh that was embarrising. But heres the beauty of salsa. Vivian was very supportive and guided me through her routines and now...tada...Senor Zaf is of certain smooth operator nu. Alah baru dua move je. But still, with more practice should be able to take on the next moves to come.

Orait, enough of salsa. My good friend Johann Ting was in town. Short description, Johann is a good friend of mine but was a rival in the beginning. You see for awhile back in college, I was once the champion at guitar, till Johann came along. Ok, here's me being a sore loser...I am self tought whislt Johannn studied the instrument..so Hah! No lah the guys brilliant. So we jam a lot and from their our reputation as the 2 amigos came about. Fast forward..met up with the guy and he lost weight, grown a goatee and is now an accomplish musician himself. So met up and whats a meeting with Johann if there's no jam, kan? So off we go jammming!

As a result, suddenly my love for music is starting to grow back... at an alarming rate. I'm practicing at least 2 hours everyday now. The session with him also included some pointers. You see, I work with instincts. I learn new skills by listening to establish players, and then experimenting with their styles to see what works. Never knowing the mechanics and theories of my actions. Johann pointed out that I have acquired a lot of advance techniques over the years but find it sayang that I am not able to understand the rationale of these licks. He explained many things and had a more-or-less idiot guide to guitar arpeggio theory. This got me started exploring my normal scale warm up routines in a different way. The result ....sonic and melodic bliss guys. I never knew all these hidden elements within the knowledge that I have till now.

Hmmm...ok so whats next for Amad. Let me see...there's the house that needs grills and a decent kitchen. I am hoping to fully pindah by early next year. Whoooahhhoo. My own pad. Anyway, list of items start to roll but memandangkan keadaan ekonomi yg tak menentu...maybe I'll hold back on most lavish Items on the list.

I might not be around in M'sia that much next year. InsyaAllah, I will be sent for an international assignment for 6 months. Will be globe trotting for awhile doing this IMP pogram the company has set for me. So this means i have to maximise whatever I can for this year. Enjoy it to the max. As much as i could.

Right...things are cheering up. Though nothing happening in the social circle...but gain back friends I thought i lost. The Warwickians have been excellent lately. I started to open up about my break-up and heart break and they took me in and comforted me in times of trouble. Best part was they made a lot of effort to distract me from my sorrows. Special mention must be Feizal and Aliza. Their husband and wife combo effort is worth mentioning. Even though they lead hectic lives and a kid...still made sure they had time to follow up on my progress and keep me company in times of need. Thanks guys.

With that...I have actually exhausted this session. Kepala dah drain. Takde ilham lagi nak tulis. Ok, till next one see ya'll.

What do you do when you end up staring on a blank face wall

2008-06-17T11:27:00.003+08:00

Blank. Blank. Blank. But images prop up. Images that make you smile. But mostly ones that make you sad. Why? Becouse why in the first place would one stare at a blank wall? Postulating his presence? I feel not.

Stare. Stare harder, you might actually see, through the wood stains or the cement grains, a picture. A view. To stare..to dare.

Sometimes, Just Sometimes...

2008-04-18T11:47:00.002+08:00

Dear Bloggers,

Sometimes, just sometimes..things just dont happen to work out the way we hoped it would be. I wish to declare..(again) that I have failed in love. The love of my life does not have me in her heart. I speak from my heart only, and this heart only beats for that person, but the other beats not for me.

My close friend advised me to close the chapter. Forget the matter. Its hard, I still love her soo much. But then, I guess fate has other plans for me. In times like these, seeking solance with The Almighty is my only shelter and warmth. God is right. In His massage to the Prophet PBUH about his uncle Abdul Mutalib, as he lay on his bed in his dying minutes, the Prophet whispered to him to accept God and recite the Syahadah. He was so distraught as here was his uncle that loved him, cared for him and defended him with his life but will not to even to his dying minutes profess his belief to God, which was the purpose of the Prophet's PBUH struggles and determination. Then Jibrail descended and recited God's words, "It is your (Prophet PBUH) job to send the massage, it is our job to open their hearts"

We try as much, give as much, we might think we have given soo much, but sometimes what was given is not enough. And at this point, regardless of my efforts to her was not enough, I then think of what the Prophet went through. Here was his uncle who cared for him, loved him and defended the Prophet's belief and faith, yet could not accept islam in his heart...." It is your (Prophet PBUH) job to send the massage, it is our job to open their hearts". It pained the Prophet to know this person he loved will never see the light of a promised Heaven.

I feel no need to go into details. Problem is Sayang shares common friends and in this case friends tend to look out for each other. My side of the story might offend people who know her longer than I have. And I do not want to rip up the common friendship between my friends becouse of this territorial situation. Ah well. I have God as my harbour. InsyaAllah things will work out.

The bigger picture. Thats whats important ya. Just becouse I'm sore about things shouldn't give me the right to put my feelings above others. So, in all that may be and what has happened, let bygones be bygones.

On the brighter side of things, I get to concentrate on the house now. Was planning to buy a car much later, that was if I needed the money for marriage, but now alls well. Full steam ahead I'm getting my new black Ford Focus Sport in 2 weeks time. Good timing as it would be just in time for me to bring Ayah back to Kelantan in Style!!! Also, after I could claim my housing interest subsidy next year, I'm seriously considerring my Masters degree. Or ...then again gatal jugak nak do-up the kitchen hehehehe! Then there's Acat's new born coming that should be loads of fun.

All in all...not a bad year. Wished the factory started better though, but ahh well, we cant get all our wishes can we. Honestly, would I have it any other way? Would I have been better not to have given my heart to Sayang? In a strange confession on my side...I was gratefull to know that I could love a women with all my heart. Thats what matters.

Life goes on guys. Cya guys later. Maybe road trip? Whoahooo!

The thing about everything....

2008-02-28T14:52:00.005+08:00

The thing about everything.. "Not knowing where to start, where to begin, how can everything be explain?", you might say. However, have we actually thought of thinking at where everything might end?

Ok, no more philosophical bull and paraphrases from intellectual parenthesis. Have we actually wondered what the world would be like if we all thought of the end, the epilogue, before embarking on our adventours or endevours? You will be surprised at how much we all think in this way.

The rationale behind this statement is that, ladies and gentlemen, fellow bloggers, population of earth...I wholeheartedly wish to declare to you that I am in love. I am in love with the most beautiful maiden that God allowed my eyes to gaze upon. Yet in all that has transpired, lil did I knew, that it all started at the 'end'.

The chronology of how we met..though very interesting and worthy of a post, I prefer not to illustriate. Lets just say, my memories to keep. But what I would like to mention is the spirit in how my loved developed.

I do not have an illustrious love track record, and with such minimum 'hands-on' experience I would not say that I am an expert at love or relationships. But one thing was for sure, I was hurt before, and for this, my heart was always protected by my conscience. But enough said, that past is the past, and for now..what holds before me is the future.

My gorgeous Sayang also came from a similar emotional background as me. Both fell out off love badly and lost a most deared person in our lives at the same time. Though in this situation, I was more fortunate to be able to deal with my grievences and lost earlier on. Sayang had to deal with things very recently. Regardless of the timeline, here were 2 individuals who went through life's morbid expectations which left scars that shall forever remain. But scars heal, though some will ultimately stay, they will be set as a reminder, a mark that would remind us of the learnings from life's parody.

Friendship is a powerfull bond. And tis was friendship that I was offering to Sayang when we first met. It would be a lie if I did not admit to have succumbed to her beauty at the initial acquintance, but my feint heart told me to look deeper, if the desires were to remain. And so friendship it was.

Often in most platonic attempts, the desires to share our lives with an opposite sex, whislt undermining any ostencible underpinnings is, lets be honest, kinda hard. But thankfully, with much encouragement from situational instances, I believed that it might work..that for the heck of it I would have found a friend, a confidant, a person to share life with in Sayang. And I did. And it was great.

The more I knew Sayang, the more I saw the joys of life. As a free spirit, she showed me the potential of living life to the fullest. I had the best times of my life as I could recall. In such a short period, I was able to share the sweets of this earth through the joy shown to me by Sayang. She is a person who loves and is loved. Even underneath all that may crush her spirit and happiness, she never gives up to give life one more chance. Never giving up in life is a courage worthy of valor.

So where does the end begin? Even endings have beginnings. The ending for me was the realisation that everything will end. Everything will end. Friendships, passion, wealth, health, patience, sanity, and this shroud that covers this growing affection for this person. Thus life needs to be lived in the fullest, like it will end the next minute. We can plan as much as we want, and as detailed as we want yet fate still manages to drop you flat in the face. Cliche' as it might sound, when examples are shown to you in full technicolour and Dolby surround sound then, does it really hit you. That was the experiences I gathered being part of Sayang's life. And with that, suddenly everything I ever believed in, thought, imagined, assumed, presumed, my whole foundation of the perspective of what was just changed. It changed forever.

I cant remember a day I felt so alive till I met Sayang. And though Sayang often asks me why I fell in love with her, warning me of her high and lows, I guess I have not said enough..that Sayang I fell in love with you and everything. And the thing about everything is.....

Love for a stranger

2008-01-14T18:56:00.000+08:00

Friendship builds from nothing, and dies sometimes from nothing. The death of a friendship is unbearable. Strange as this maybe, time will heal all wounds. And leave us with the memories. Memories that some, strangely consciously we fight hard to forget. And in those memories those strangers fade away. But in some, they forever remain.

But given a chance, just one chance, just one chance is all I ask.. I will sit high up amongst the hills, and to the valley below, will I scream to the top of my lungs, until all breath is taken away from me.. to say the one thing that makes us no stranger to each other.........

The story so far....

2007-12-17T18:23:00.000+08:00

Dear Bloggers,

Its been ahwile. My dedication to write..hmphhh probably at best be described as utterly inconsistent. As usual, the excuses are given..work, outstation, project, and and and..but somehow today I managed to gather up some quality time with me, my laptop, a stash of Mentos SourMix and some tunes blazing through this microscopic speaker of my feeble handphone, since it happens to be that my laptop speakers went bonkers. Note to friends, an outdated iPOD for a birthday present would be nice! (Hint!Hint!).

You know the 'ol saying of the elders, in faith in God, and thou shall prevail. Well, God has been very kind to me lately. The decision to buy my house was, kinda impulsive. I wasnt like going around scouting for places, compiling brochures, cross-referencing every details of loans, MRTA offers with location, price and affordability. Nope...it was kinda..damn, the wedding funds there, but errr..no girl..so..hmmmm, change my ride? Yeah kinda did that modified Honda Bullet thingy to catch some action, which was blurgh..and at minimum some action by minah rempits..that never prevailed. So, decisions, decision. Hot ride or your own pad?

Then it hit me, what if get the pad, paint the walls psychedelic pink, install rotating bed, mirrorball on the ceilings and smog the place with Mojo incense, then get the hot ride! Yup. Seems like a good plan. So a houselah. Decision decided.

So off thee went, into the Batmobile, breezing through LDP arriving at Taipan at which I approached Sime UEP. Called up a friend and ask for a walkthrough of the current existing projects that were going on. Sime UEP has custody of good locations, so it was an obvious choice for me to look there first for options. Apart for some additional incentives for staff purchase, the property appreciation for Ara Damansara and Putra Heights was far above 20%. Got hold of a list of available good units and off I was to view them.

So, brought 'lil sis along for the ride, looking at the houses along Putra heights and Ara Damansara. As the available, and affordable Ara lots were not attractive, we whisked ourselves to the far reaches of USJ, and set foot on Putra Heights. Browse through Laman Putra untill, ever so cooly my sister said, " Oh my God, Cantiknyeee!!!". At which my response was ok, take foto and show Dad.

Back home, showed Dad the brochure that entailed the layout of that particular unit, some fotos to get a better picture, at which Dad turns around and tells me, " How much am I willing to spend?". To which my reply was the whole wedding funds. An eyebrow was raised..proceeded by a grin. At this point, he was looking at that units largest build up size. That particular size had a nice guest room; which is obviously for him. He pointed out that when he started in life, he was scraping the barrel to sustain his income with family and house. So, looking sharply at me, why should I suffer less!

So, it was set. I went to Sime UEP, plonked in the deposite and there you go. Bought the house. As of to date not only did it take my wedding funds to get through the first payment, but totally exhausted the EPF account 2 and my fixed savings. Not to mention my current savings account was dried up...left barren like an empty well. To sustain myself, had to go through some tough times asking Dad for money to pay the toll and petrol..malunye!

But, so has it, just when I thought I had to brave the winter, in comes a memo from HR confirming the profit sharing from Conti global. So, as you know it a certain bonus would be paid out this month for the company's international profit! Whoahoooh! Alhamdulillah. God has ways to surprise you sometimes.

Which comes to a point, a man does not choose his destiny, he tries his best in life until finally his destiny appears before him. So, thats the new motto. The new vision. The new philosophy. As we near ourselves to the end of 2007, I can only mention the highlight of this year as much:

Acat and Juan got married. All praise to God for finding my best bud happiness
My cuz Weween's amazing wedding..best wedding event so far
Bought the house. Bought the love shack.
Acat being a dad for the first time.

So, being that I wouldnt know till when I would be able to write again, I wish all bloggers, Selamat Hari Raya AidilAdha, Happy Christmas Holidays and a smashing good year.

P.S. Sorry Juan. Didn't had it in me to talk bad about women. Who am I to say or judge people especially to the companion and equal of men.

This is the house that 'Jack' built

2007-11-12T19:16:00.000+08:00

Dear Readers,

Aha! So just to update to you guys I am officially the owner of Lot no 42, Jalan Putra Indah, Putra Heights. Tis, ladies and gents, is my humble abode. I bought this house after Raya. It was, to some extent based on some frustration as well as a certain decision I decided I should take should I end up at 30 and single.

Ok, I'm not yet 30, but 28 going on to 29! I have saved up some money for a grand wedding, but alas a promise of granduer doesn't seem to attract ladies of this yore..I guess. So to Hell with them (for the moment) and I welcome this latest offerring (semua berkat rezeki datang dari Tuhan, kan?) with open arms. Alhamdulillah.
I have to admit that its kinda big even for guys that are just starting a family. Selalunye a simple 20 x 70 or 24 x 70 dah kire cukuplah, but I seem to push the envelope by purchasing a 29 x 75 size home! Tah ape nak buat with all that space..God knows. Actually there was a few options before this house, but the most important choice was that Dad was comfortable with the house. He had the last say. He would be an integral part of this house, so his comfort does come up as top priority in the decision factor.

As usual, the temptation of decorating memanglah teramat sangat. Gone are the car magazines, in come the interior design journals. I have been salivating over Pottery Barn catalogues on the bed and on the 'stool'. Nasib baik my cousin is an interior decorator, boleh mintak tips. So now I have a new obsession; taking photos of places and friends houses if I find some ideas that they have done tickles my fancy. Nasib baik dah upgrade memory card handfon! Just recently spent last Saturday with Acat and Juan, in which I asked Juan what was the colour of her cream coloured wall! Ideas, beb!

This house also managed to open up a new family routine in which my sisters demand that we try to meet up every weekend to discuss of this house punye decoration. Theres 2 reasons for this:

My eldest Nadya has also purchased a house, so throwing ideas around togather to work out the best solutions for each others property.
Should I still be single in the next 5 years.. then my house hold 2 purposes as a meeting/gathering/party location or as a romantic weekend excursion for my eldest should she want to get a way from it all. Applies too for little sis but she's got to get married first!

So, basically the theme is very cozy and very sexy as well. Hmm will go well with the 'player' ambience I was suggesting. Kire 'lovenest'lah! Haha. But sorry for my fellow bloggers there is a certain rental fee that I will be charging should you require such opportunities.

Most recently Raya came in and out so quickly. Nothing special happened. The normal sembahyang raya, visit kubur Arwah Mak, then off to big sis for the family foto. Which reminds me, the foto above showed the dangers of eating too much lemang Pak Ali..bloated siut. (or memang I have put on weight).

Oh ya, and to top the Raya event, nothing is complete without visiting my extended family, Acat's family. Here we have a foto of myself and the Rafali's. Hehe, dats a cute pic of Juan though!

Right, seems that the excitement of having a house and an empty canvas to decorate happens to engulf my available free time. I hope I am not boring you guys with future post regarding decorative decisions and all. Hehe..my own Pad! Whoahhh! Kire tis would be the only thing I could blog about memandangkan my savings are up to zero since I dish it all out on the house. So my finances need to be strictly monitored as well as some carefree/careless lifestyle must be changed. and ohya..the wedding funds have been sacrificed so potential dates..I guess a cozy stall would have to do..sorry.

Right..till the next post, all the best ya'll and live life to the fullest.

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

2007-11-09T15:48:00.000+08:00

Hey, y'all! Firstly, a million appologise for not updating. Been really cought up with many things, both work and personal stuff, but hey! I'm here so...whats been happening? Lets start by saying thanks Acat for that coral pink shirt you left at my house few years ago, coz it kinda save me some time to buy a shirt for one of my trips to Slovakia. The photo you see before you introduces the drivers of Continental Sime Tyres!

So, point in question..I really need to hang out with my ol pals again! Hari-hari melepak ngan orang tua-tua nih..ends up I'm starting to refer to stuff by saying, "..during my time". Right preludes me to my point about facebook. Yes. I know much has been said and yadda yadaa but I just can't help but be totally and utterly addicted to it. To prove a point, heres my schedule in Lotus Notes:

8am to 8.30am - Check gmail, superpoke my frends, give a pressie to fren and update
10.30 - 11.00 - (X Me) at least somebody. Check out whats new.
12.45 - 1pm - At least write on someones wall
4.45 - 5pm - Play bubblewrap to destress and re-take an IQ test

Yes, and I quite stick to this schedule tightly..hehe. Ah well the life. Anyways, whats more important is that you get to check on what your other pals have been doin. Ok, heres a few interesting details:

Elina Ismail (KTJ) was working with KLUE mag and now in Australia with Womens Weekly. Current her celebrity facebook frens include Daphne Iking, Hannah Tan, Marion Counter, Afdlin Shauki and Carmen Soo. So she my fren when rase gatal-gatal to hang out with the celebs.
Johan Ting (KTJ) ditch a job as a software designer and enrolled into Berklee Music Inst London, and passed with flying colours. Currently performing at High Street clubs in London, frens with Colyn Bailey Ray and will be opening an acoustic concert featuring Take That. My pal if I want to expand my music horizons.
Izlyn Ramli (KTJ) sister to my best mate in college, Izmet, is accountant-cum-singer who is frens with Amir Yusoff, Reza Salleh, Shaun Ghazi and Zainal Abidin. My pal for when I'm in need of tips when need to perform, for whatever reasons.
Iju (Ezura) know her through my best pal Acat. At the moment current the best person to hook me up with chicks coz thats what she has nesttled in her quarters of friends.
And Acat...Best Pal Ever!!!!

In short what can I say. I mean finding time to blog..then time to SuperPoke, werewolf bite and finish things off by totally obliterate my fellow frens pirates..thats the life.

I got something else to share with you guys but for the time being I'm a bit exhausted from trying to make this blog template work. Hope you like it and will update about my new 'baby' soon. Till then...bye!

Its times like these that you need a hug

2007-08-02T22:22:00.000+08:00

Dear Blog/Bloggers,

I write to you in hope that I can find sanctuary from this whirlwind of events that has happened to me since 6 months ago. Choices are always there. And though I often mention of choices from a context of relationships, I falter before you as I must confess the inner conflict in my soul stems from decisions that I have to do for the sake of being competitive.

Yes, its those sad stories again of work. Do I have a life? People always seem to say this when all that gets me riled up is when I mention work. I guess people fail to understand my situation. I am directly in charge of 185 workers. And that was put to test 6 months ago.

I now can freely speak about this as last Monday, 30.07.2007 marked the final day of our retrenchment exercise. Yes you heard me right. It was my second retrenchment exercise. However this time the numbers were bigger. Total plant was effected and I was called in 6 months ago to re-evaluate the manufacturing output efficiency. Sorry to say that we are not up to mark.

Funny thing was, whislt I was spending time with the IR lawyers, I found some interesting cases. Then studies done by the NPE showed that across the board, through all comman industries we have a common problem...malaise.

NOT Malays, mind you..but the malaise attitude..that unfortunately, statistically corresponds strongly to our Malays. Short snippet.the old management did a big blunder with the union to allow the following; 80% output within actual working time and balance 20% remainder output within 4 hrs overtime. Thats a cognitive parody as capacity productive charts are based on the fact that output is counted within identified losses. That means, in 8 hours a shift, 15% losses is the current standard of losses due to set-up times, breakdowns, maintenance, breaks and material losses. That means, we dont blindly give an output figure to a worker. In actuality, output is counted after considering that 15% productivity deficit. However, rather than argue that additional output sans 100% be remunerated according to a higher multiplying scale, my workers argue to have money replaced by time.

This means, its not more money within working time, but rather more rest time to make same amount of money! More time to do WHAT! So to all wives/girlfriends out there, your lazy husbands are purposely defending their right to go back home late under the pretext of ade kerja..thats bullshit.

I just completed few months back this Performance Base Incentive scheme (PBI) that rewards the employee base on his output efficiency. That literally means, within his working time if he/she produces a minimal 5% additional output he will be rewarded very handsomely. So, he can go back with extra cash in the pocket, on time, pick up the kids, set the table, takes care of the dishes, shower, put on some cologne, light some candles then make amazing love to your wife!

But no..not our workers. We want more time. To do what? Smoke! So, thats general malaise for you. Funny, this problem is across the board. Toyota Malaysia is having similar problems as well as SmithKline Sterling and Beecham! Jadi not realli that badlah for me.

But here's an interesting snippet..NPE statistics backed by international surveys shows that the boon of the electronic industry in Malaysia dulu was due to a simple fact that our FEMALE employees (minah Karen) were more proficient! Yup. I am not kidding you. Well, that can be seen clearly by the fact that in Kelantan, most businesses are run by ladies. The most important fact was our female operators have the patience and tenacity to look into their everyday life at work and initiate improvements.

Ok, hang on. Dah wander jauh dah. OK. So total plant had 126 variable operators and fixed management retrenched. Dalam hati sedih, but one part rase macam they deserve it. I just have to gulp it down I guess. The usual happened; people callin in with their I ade family lah, wife to take care lah and, and and...Had to tahan and stick to the plan.

This retrenchment exercise was different though. 80% of the task was to restructure the factory for efficiency, but the remaining 20% was to remove benchwarmers. So, we were playing that fine line of sticking to the basic of LIFO (last in first out) and target termination. Kenapalah IR court tak banyak awek. Tulah awek-awek law nih. Life is not all Ally McBeal divorce case ok. There's more to law than to settle marriage problems. Tu dia, satu department semua org tua nuh!

I have mix feelings. When I was picked to be part of the restructuring team, I was excited and thrill. But as the months pass, frustration and anger over our countrymen's attitudes and fear that my team's proposed structure might fail!

The decision is made. Stick with it to the end Ahmad. Its times like this.. I just wished I had an arm around me, and a sweet caress from a cheek, as I hear a whisper from a sweat voice saying, "Sayang you know what? Today at work....." A short diversion from my beloved telling me of her qualms in life. Boy would that not take away all this burden.

Now this I call a wedding!

2007-07-21T22:08:00.000+08:00

Bridal Day

This bridal day with gold I will enchain,
And wears its hours like rubies on my heart,
That you and I from Love may never part
While still these jewelled monument remain.
These monuments, wrought out of hours, contain
The wound inflicted on me by Love's dart
That stung with such intolerable smart,
Until today we vanquished Times and Pain.

And now I wear this crimson diadem
Where late my heart I did incarnadine
With open wounds in passionate array,
Unhealed until your eyes looked down at them,
And crystallized their sanguine drops to shine
In captured moments of our bridal day

Tis said, marriages is a harmony of life. I believe this entirely. To some, a wedding has many elements that make it magic. Some maybe the company, a special song, or even a heartwarming massage from the father-of-the-bride. Whatever forms it takes, nothing can be as magical as moments that come from the heart. If it could, I wish to post all 299 photos of my cousins wedding but alas, blogspot can only muster as much.

The wedding was made simple, with all the cousins chipping in here and there. Well, thats my Johor family in a nutshell. What started as suppose to be simple..became an onslought of ideas that transform the normal wedding into a magical night that ended with a bang! There was cheeky ber-pantun that was fused in rap, the brothers telling of their story in a song, the brilliantly made love dedication video presentations..and the finale of letting your hair down to the BAND.

Most wedding photos I see from blogs tend to be very stoic..very regimented. Its like everybody is trying to control handsome and macho. Well, thats keluarga Ungku Salmah for you. Its all fun and happiness and joy is a must. So to you readers I present you these captured moments..a symbol of joy in a family unbashfull and unashame to share love in the world.

-Photos courtesy of AR Production. Recommend to those in search of a sharp eye!

If I could be good.

2007-06-28T21:52:00.000+08:00

Though there are as many as I can recall,
They seem to be not many enough that I should remember.

I often speak of what I have done,
Though not see what might have been undone,

And seems to me the story so far
Is that for this moment, we seem cought up by far
Of speaking in tongues drench in the obscenity
That we seem to need to speak in languid poetry!!!

Ok, geng. Apasal lah tetiba semua org terase mcm nak kena expresi diri anda dlm sajak dan syair. The past 18 blog post I have been reading, semua berbentuk puisi nan indah. Nih yang dah tercabar nih!

Anyways, not having anything special to report. The blogger I was referring to in my last post was MZ Ayam. She lost her father. I hope we have said a little prayer for those whom have left us.

In that respect, the topic I mentioned..If I could be good, dont we think that we feel too much that we have done as much to be as good? In self reflection, in self pity, we might remorse at our short comings. The sarcastics amongst us will stomp you and say get up and do something about it.

Then the optimistics would make the pessimist feel, ewww kau ingat kau tu hebat/baik sangat ke?

Oh well..let it be let it be. I hope the rest of the readers will bare with my senseless rants for awhile as I have troubles posting my cousins wedding photos and that is annoying me immensly

To where we return to

2007-06-25T20:02:00.000+08:00

To my Muslim readers, I wish to implore that we take time, for awhile to recite Al-Fatihah for the father of one of our bloggers, whom past away early morning, the 25th June 2007.

At times like these, it made me remember a recital we used to do when we were at school.

Tuhan ku
Aku tidak layak
Untuk syurga Mu
Tetapi aku juga tidak sanggup menanggung
Siksa neraka Mu
Oleh itu kurniakanlah
Ke ampunan Mu
Ampunkanlah dosaku
Sesungguhnya engkaulah pengampun
Dosa-dosa besar

Moga diberkati jenazah. Al-Fatihah

Iqra'. Read. Baca. Apasalah nye..

2007-06-21T18:29:00.000+08:00

Lately, I have been reading through some of other blogs out there and it comes to my attention, how easily distructive blogging can be. I am a proponent to freedom of speech and the freedom of the press, however, with great power comes great responsibilities.

What I am getting at is how we freely express our opinions ( me included ) without carefull thought of what the ramifications might be. Ok, fine its our blog. We have right to say what we want and how we want, but then, on occurrences of our lives takpe kot.

Its when we hit certain issues, I feel a little bit of studying on what we nak cakap must be there. Topic in question, there were recent posts in blogs out there mentioning about the Lina Joy case. So many opinions, tapi what cought my eye is how complacent we have become. The funny part is, we base our post on inferred feels and thoughts, rather than facts. Ironic, when the actual situation is right there in the papers.

Posts have been written about the freedom of ones person to pick their religion. Fine by me. Then they question why cant a convert re-convert? Good question. Then it goes to the issue about a simple IC card rectification. Simple too. Then it continues why is Islam unfair? And specifically how our country's constitution deals with this! Ok, back off awhile. Read. The court demands a baptism cetificate or proof of the conversion which the counsellors failed to provide. So the petition of the court was to provide the proof of conversion or else petition to change the IC nullified.

Yg kite pi skewed sampai kata Muslims are hostile in their attempts to retain the populous, cmon man, mcmlah org Islam kat M'sia nih bagus pun. Segelintir je. But what needs to be highlighted, from my point of view, is our view of religion. Ur beliefs should not be the flavour of the month. That to me is a big warning to all new Muallafs out there. Sad thing is I much enjoy the company of Muallafs, as they take more patience and efforts to understand their religion. Majority of them make better Muslims then us. Ok, small percentage of them convert for the sake of nuptial traditions, tapi tu yang salah tuh.

But think about it, once procured, presented evidence, under civil law the court will recognise. This is what Lina Joy is not able to produce and this is what and why some people in the right mind are pissed off. Religion is not an undergarment you put on and take off as when you please.

There are bad Muslims, there are good Muslims. There are bad Buddhist, and there are good Buddhist, there are good Christians and there are bad Christians. We dont hate Jews, cos their are good people we hate Zionist. So, look at the issue. Take it as the case dictates it and the answer is clear.

Lastly, Malaysia is a very forgiving country. As skewed as most Malays in this country are, pls let me straighten some facts. Tak pernah ke kite tanya how difficult it is to maintain a multi-racial multi-ethnic society? Susah siut. And the last thing I want to hear from anyone is their 'honest' opinions of Bumiputra rights. Ade sampai org suggest kite nih conducting pseudo-apartheid principals.

Fact. We have 2 Commissioners report for our constitution, one is the Cobbald Commission, the other the Riggs Commission. What is important, why 2 commissions were deployed was to settle Tunku Abdul Rahman's defiance to accept the Chinese and Indian community. Yes, the initial plan was to allow safe passage of the Chinese back to China and the Indians back to India. The East India Company, then sanction by Lord Ruford was under discussion over the cost for the relocation. There was no citizenship for these races. They are under contract employment from respective employer. However, this is to underline the majority Chinese and Indian community brought here under this contract, not already estiblished Chinese and Indians who came and resided since zaman kesultanan Melayu Melaka.

So this number was 98 thousand chinese and 36 thousand Indians. For 5 days Tun Tan Cheng Lock and Tun Sambathan fought with Tunku to change his mind. Somehow, at the last minute, Lord Ruford declared that change of policies from the Tories at England that this relocation will not be borne by EIC, and the cost must be borne by Malaya. So, it was agreed then, Tunku, Tan Cheng Lok and Sambathan that these people will be retained..as citizens of Malaya.

PROVIDED..the rights of Bumiputra was set. This to protect the separation of social demographics at the moment where the Chinese was heavily involved in trading and the Indians in agriculture. The Malays were in between. Majority in small self-preserving traditional industries, and some prominent numbers in administration. The agreement was, that rights of Bumiputra for land ownership, education and rest that I forgot to detail will be endorse by the constitution in return for 134 thousand citizenship delivered overnight. 134 CITIZENSHIP OVERNIGHT! An unprecedented event even till now!!!

Fast forward. Future. Chinese have majority market control, Indians slowly picking up and filling gaps where there are and the Malays? Tuh yg sedihnye, dah bagi head start and what do we do? We stummer and bungle the advantage. Now 50 years of independence and still bumi wealth is at 20% index. OK. So for the Chinese, you got very rich..do we obstruct you or send you to the gallows like Thaksin? No we celebrate. Give you Dato' ship for God sake!. We set up Chinese schools, Indian schools for your liking. The right to land and ownership.

For the religian, we dont topple down your big Statue of Buddha in Penang, or even Batu Caves. We let the Churches bell ring. We allow big locations for Churches. We provide everything. Hey compare that with abroad! Take England for example. Goddammit what have we learned from our studies abroad? Mosques are not allowed to have high minarets. There will not be a broadcast of adzan at all. And the construction of a mosque, if not blending to town councel's architecture mode, is not allowed. So siapa oppress siapa nih?

We are so forgiving and yet they forget. Jangan kata Melayu lupa, yang lain lupa. And that is what I want to get through. We will be celebrating our new independence. We are Malaysians, we so claim. Bahasa Malayu is the national language so learn it.

In conclusion, correct me if I'm wronglah. About the history of Bumiputra, you've learned it at form 4, just malas nak ingat kot. Those who want to know detail, grab a copy of MALAYA: AN ANTHOLOGY by Tan Sri Khalid Jamaluddin written in 1972 or better still read Riggs Commission report itself at the National Archives!

Facts people facts. We as bloggers have an audience. This audience, whoever they may be will some way or rather take our insights seriously. Imagine the power of opinions we have? Thats why we talk of the power of the internet. Yes. It is more than a tool for getting dates or playing games. Its a cyberspace where in its ether our thoughts can jump out and reach someone.

I'm not free from flaws too. This is where my fellow bloggers comment mean a lot. I have cherish each of your thoughts and views. So, I promise to give mine with deep thought. Tis my promise!

P/S: This post is a dual frustration of the state of the world and the fact that writer's original reasons for posting was to describe his holidays at Johor, but fell short as the wedding photos cannot load!!!

Save the last dance for me

2007-06-05T18:49:00.000+08:00

Its been a long over due post, at last found some space to breath, thus here I am. The much needed exhale was truly worth it. Lots of goings on at the factory especially with the upcoming financial review.

Anyways, buddy Acat succesfully tied the knot. Syabas! Kepada Depa. Moga kebahagian berkekalan sampai ke anak cucu cicit. I hope Juan doesnt mind my short berangan at her reception approching her house, sebab jalan atas red carpet! Berangan sat mcm selebriti. It might be in the video! Haha. Also, got the opportunity to meet up with Zeeda and her hubby Jimmy. For those interested in procuring the Tom Abg Saufi 'ish kebaya, yup Zeeda looked hot in it.

The reception kat Acat's place saw me being introduce to Azlan's gfren. Ask the million $$$ question, "Where/how didja guys meet?" Upon which the answer was, "We met while white water rafting". Ok. So I need to be more adventurous. But not bad Azlan. Met up with Saiful and his 2 munchkins. Kept on brainwashing his son by consistently referring to him as 'Dr Shafie' You got to admit, that name has Doctor all written over it.

A few days after that saw me and Zeeda meeting up to watch Shrek 3. Kinda felt it was a set up mtg for me to be formally introduce to Heydee. It was a pleasent evening, but Shrek, unfortunately suffered from 2nd half 'aku-dah-takde-idea-lagi-nak-continue' pace. But all in all a simple light and easy film. A great way to unwind from the busy days at the factory.

The rest of the weeks were basically pre-vacation work. Cousin's wedding in Johor on the 2nd June, so thinking of bring my lil sis to Singapore for a holiday at the same time have her virgin passport legally 'fucked'. That all togather is another story that credits a separate post. I'll get on it soon as I get some photos from the wedding photographer. The guys a frend of mine at Uni, and he's really good at taking photos. Perused through some previews on his laptop on the last day, and they were brilliant!

Right. Thats whats been happening. Loads of story regarding the cousin's wedding. Also lots of photos and maybe if possible I might post a video of me jamming with the 7 piece band!

One might say (in my case nearly everyone) , "Tak teringin ke Mat!" It would be a lie to say no. Surprisingly, being surrounded by the immense love atmosphere, I felt different. I felt liberated in the feeling that, hey here we have people who love each other and want to spend their life with each other. Thats a bold move. Truth be told, I was feeling nervous when Acat was about to lafaz nikah. It hit me then, how much convince you must be to say those words. Takes courage man! I deal with workers, and some of them will need to be straightened out once and awhile. Its true, the trick to know a person's conviction is through their eyes, their posture and body language and voice intonation. Having that experience, being in that congregation of people, surrounding my frend and hear him say, without any doubt that he take in him the responsibilities of care for life for this person..is a powerful and emotional presence. Like how good orators are able to feed into the emotions of an audience, spoken words from the heart, do touch the heart of another.

One reasons why I would drive far away to Masjid Tabung haji at Kelana Jaya just to catch khutbah Jumaat, coz you might get rogue imams that speak of their minds with passion. Tak tidur beb!

Kesimpulannye, If i were to rush into things now, I would be sitting on that cushion facing the wali and going.."Ya Allah! am I doing the right thing?" Doubt is a very hard pill to swallow, and trust me, working with Germans, where its all facts and figures, once they pull the,"So what would you be forecasting then?" line on you, you would actually stummer if you pull a number from the sky. After several attempts of failing bullshits (thankfully as I learned from it), it trained me to be on song with what you do. Know your stuff, and conviction will follow.

So, back to the cushion, amidst a backdrop of people, intently peering their ears on every breath you would muster for that conviction...guys at this moment I donno what I would do. Worst thing..probably lompat and lari macam roadrunner kot!

Oleh itu, kesudahannye, I think we have to let things evolve or happen naturally. I believe in qada dan qadar. Eventually Yang Esa will somehow drop a ladies stuff whislt walking down an aisle somwhere at Mutiara Damansara, and I just happen to have lightning reflexes'lah kan to catch the fallen objects. Next thing you know, tuuu dia. Aku jatuh cinta.

Thanx for those concerns and set ups. I must say you guys have nice frends. But I guess belum jodoh lagi. And from the events that took place recently, I feel that I'd rather be madly in love with a person, rather than chase a good financial and family plan. Who knows, I might capture the heart of a rich tycoons daughter, thus making early marriage advantages nullified becouse I'd be filthy rich! Hahahahahaha

Right till later guys. Ciou!

Lamanye ku menghilang..

2007-05-03T07:28:00.000+08:00

Whoah! Susah giler dis couple if days nak find time to write. Worst things though is the fact that when you have the time, like now, punyelah banyak benda nak ditulis. Hehe. Patience Ahmad, patience.

Acat's wedding is coming, in a matter of weeks. Thinking nak buat stag night, tapi tak tahu ape nak buat yet. The temptation of renting whores does come to mind, but I think fornication before his wedding is not on my best bud's interest.

Then theres disco. You know what? I might sound lame to yuppies out there, but last time I was in a disco was at uni and that was under the pretext of me being employed as a technician installing all the peripherals. Senang cakap, kat M'sia nih, last time was I went at this salsa club belakang bukit bintang. Did realli enjoyed myself.

Ok. Dancing. Heheh. Guys if you knew me and Acat, that would be the last thing we will ever able to muster the courage to do. Dont get me wrong, goofing around is our forte', but grooving to beats ala' Usher or Justine T memang jauh skali. Then again, its a stag night! Shouldnt write off all possible idiotic ideas, kan?

Yo! Got this email from this girl. Hehe. Answers from when I tried to court her. Haha. Laugh on this. Amongst her reasons for rejection:

1) You're a realli nice guy
2) I feel I'm not the right one for you
3) There's things about me you dont know

Oh! Cmon! Is that the best you can do? Its like the 3 basic answers in the 10 ways to lose a guy manual. Cmon! Women! Be creative. Which comes to my point actualli. To the female of the species within my group, what lines have you guys used? Hehe. Need to update myself to be with the times. Makes it easy to leave it by when it comes.

Oh man! I got like loads of stuff yg I nak cerita tapi kan...memandangkan there is ...this much of space and attention a reader can ingest dalam sesingkat masa, I rasa keep it short and simple for now.

Right. So, off I go to organise the stag night. Any offers to be female strippers?

Through the mirror..

2007-04-19T19:40:00.000+08:00

A short story by Reflections.

Tis once said, on a warm night, even owls stuck by their dens. And on that said night, stood two hearts. Two souls. One with a desire for the other..and the other, a desire for neither. Astute stood the gentleman with his eyes, dark-brown oak poppets they seem, staring deeply into the eyes of his beloved.

"Would you be mine?", he says. The innocence of her green eyes tell nothing of her heart, for what holds within her, she holds not to him.

"I am not to be with you", she answers.

"My heart holds for another", she continues

"And so I must depart, with me and my heart", she ends

Broken, torn, like death by knives, the stabbing pain will not stop. He lets her go, not for a second due to acceptance, but the pain..the heavy pain of a thousands blades tucking themselves into his coarse skin.

"My beloved!?", is all he can muster, through a feint whisper.

"tip tap tip tap tip tap..", her heels echoes. He looks upon and sees her, moving ever so slowly, away from him. From sight, slowly to sound, and slowly ...gone.

The world can be cruel, but equally for reasons. For she felt the feeling of the freedom from all burden. Its one thing to live a lie for so long, and one thing to lose sight of how far you have gone. Thus, those steps she makes, echo more and more from the path. A path from a place, she will never return. Learn, she has from the consequences of choice. When such choice was to accept what comes and make do with most of it.

The world can be cruel, but equally for reasons. For left, he was in pain and agony. How a heart was given then squashed to bits. The gentleman crouched down. Unable to stand. Tis the power of a heartbreak, a womens doing.

But so for reaons, we must move on. And so for this reasons, such choice was born. A choice was made, and that what she chose..was to leave her husband, and to the warmth of her lover's abode. Its no sense in cheating your heart forever. Happiness cant be bought, made ..it just can never..

But so for reasons, we must move on. And so for this reasons, the pain. Not the view of her slow but increasing distance, not even her actions that leave the gentleman's heart ripped open. NOt even the knowledge that all her love was just lies. And not even the feeling of the hope that just died.

For what is said, and done has consequences. And though the pain is unbearable, it stems more deeper than the heart. For within each man, gentleman or miser, cobbler or doctor, statesman and even officer..lies a demon within.

And the pain, of a thousands knives are but a mere knife that punctured the right side liver.

"How could this be so?" muttured the gentleman

Firmly he held up the gleaming dagger. Placed, it was in his right jacket pocket. He looked at it and smile at the sight of his blood.

"A mistake. It was a mistake to bend down. It was a mistake", said the gentleman.

Tis once said, on a warm night, even owls stuck by their dens. And on this night, stood two souls. One for the desire of the other's heart..and the other..neither. For stood the gentleman, and lay the women he loved. And to all to remmember, the heat of September..when in such night, stood a man, and a women he murdered.

New found frends

2007-04-16T07:53:00.000+08:00

To all readers out there, current, future and the faithfull, I must say that I havent been taking this blog seriously till now. I started blogging, 'bout 2 years ago as I was amusing myself with Acats blog whislt staying up at 4 am doing a breakdown. Had a few hours as I wait for the welder to touch up the leaking rotor, so I perused his site, and found out wat the fuss was about blogging.

The best part was looking up to his list of other blogs that he linked. This thus gives access to other blogs with equally interesting post, that rant and ponder on things as obscure as my little fat kitten to .. "the day I tried to live". Thought to myself..this aint bad.

So, filled up the first entry. Customarily the server agent welcomes every blogger. But due to lack of attention really did not thought through this blogging methods..thus making my blog quite standard. But of all things, I did not know how to promote it.

So, few weeks ago, got Acat to teach me how to set up links. That wud probably be the best thing I've done so far. As a result..(and through Acats personal promoting) I have some new frends.

Je'vu pre'sence..mdm Zeeda and mdm Voice. Thanks for the comments and your views. This brings to mind a line from my first entry, " blogs are written accounts of ourselves taking experiences of trampling over piles of shit, then telling others to beware"

Very much appreciate that. So, I guess from here is trying to update this blog. Something, fortunately at this time and juncture, I have time to spare.

Will try my best to inform, amuse and tickle. Right. Got a good one for you guys. Will update this soon...till then Arrividerci

Drawing the line

2007-04-09T07:37:00.000+08:00

I perceive myself as lost and unlucky. That, from my point of view. Though, some, the rest who see me, they say I'm lucky , blessed and poignantly qouted as, "Lu ada onglah!"

They might have a point. But what point is it? Frankly, I do realise now how some people can just leave their comfortable and rewarding corporate job for something totally out of the box. Passion has got a lot to do with it. Passion for what you are doing.

For the sake of keeping into perspective, I will just stick to the main topic of me writing this post..my love for music. Just to update everyone..I have finally found a group of mates who have met all my expectations when forming a band. The bassist is adaptable, with many styles to boot. The most prized possession..Idi, the drummer. Brilliant in every way. My sister, Nadya who brings the jazz to the sounds and my ever faithfull buddy Acat, who is the third heat.

To me this group is perfect. However..they are some complications. Idi, the prize..lives in Melaka and commutes every weekend just to jam with us. My sis nadya, though has good vocal articulation lacks the energy and volume to convey the demands of rock music. That plus her waivering stamina I fear will not sustain a 45 min gig. And last but not least.. my buddy Acat, who tries his best to help me within his tight schedule.

Then there is the impending possibility of my sis moving up to Kampar, Perak as UTAR will be positioned there. This happens to be the best employer my sister has had and her future is good in this university. She deserves the best

Again..just when things get right..life throws you a curve ball and ur back to square one. The future of this band seems bleak.

But thats it? Maybe I am suppose to make a choice. Maybe this band thing is futile. A weak attempt at this moment to re-kindle the sparkle of life I once had. And this made me realise.. I've not moved on, in life at all.

My career, though to some may look illustrious, is actually me being very lucky and blessed by The Almighty. Just happen to be around a place where I stand out and the ol managemnt are looking for young blood. Place me beside my ol frends at collage or uni, and I would be a puny minute dot amongst the shine of their brilliance.

And what do I have to be proud for since I have earned honest money? Most of it wasted on cars and boy toys and women and non of which has been spent on charity. The worst is I lack the direction for charity. Most of the time, charity doesnt involve much money..just your time and attention. Something I do not do.

I'm jealous of my buddy Acat. Got a babe for a fiance'. Still got his mom and the best makes the best of his time with charity. People like his ex-wife do not deserve even an iota of his self.

Which comes to my point. I have to accept the fact..my buddy has moved on. He has got a reason to live more than ever now. Love in his life, he has found. As of me? Thats where the music comes in. The reason, the part where I can just let go and fall in an embrace of melodies and chorus.

The funny things is, I can see my selfish side turn up more than ever. I want the band to stick on. I want this magical music experiance to keep on forever. But where do I draw that deviding line between what can happen..and what will happen?

Nothing is forever. A line has to be drawn, one day..

As I was passing...

2007-04-05T19:03:00.000+08:00

Amongst a beautifull pattern
Lays line lost in weave
No one knows of how it happens
But its beauty in geometry

Along the waves that run to shore
Washes peebles that cast their beads
From motion to still, they randomly graze
But form a beautiful line of embedded scale

As I was passing by work today
I saw from far the pile of traffic
Some lines form inverted structures from vertical
Some grains of asphalt curved according to path
Some movements of the sky, as the morning breaks through Dawn's clouds

Beauty is a sight to behold, even in mundane objects
Anything and everything is beautiful
Just needs time to appreciate what you've got..and what you dont have
As I was passing...

2007-04-03T08:05:00.000+08:00

Seeking solance.

My, my. Its 2007. What have we got to offer, ey? Nothings much that is as much as much there is that makes for all there is. What can I say anymore? Nothing any free mind can comprehend.

But then again, though stumble and fall, we pick up the pieces, we rise with whatever possesed and what might we have, to go again and fall back to the ground as fate dictates it. Do I make any sense? Shud I make sense? The more we make sense of things in our lives, the more confuse we get when the judgement we set turns wrong, fall back again we become to the beginning of the chapter...from which we fell.

But thats life innit. Kinda like a qoute this mua'alaf said in the documentary on Hajj by National Geographic.." The reason we struggle and the temptations and test of the hajj, just simply test us that though we have astrayed, and left far away from the path, we come back, come crawling back on our hands and knees and look up to The Exalted, "

Best interpretation of life..for me. Yup we make mistakes. We learn from them. But what we seldom have is the strength to accept the consequences. I guess thats one part of that our elders forget to tell us when we are re-assured that its ok to make mistakes. My, my the elders.

Learning from mistakes and accepting the consequence are as different as apples and oranges. Its ok to say, "I'm sorry I drove so fast and bashed into your wife who was just standing waiting for the bus. I'm sorry. I was drunk". Yup learned your lesson. Now how was that jailed rape as you were left spending 5 years for 3rd degree manslaughter! Bit of a sore in the ass innit!

Oh why not the classic, sorry forgot the condom, I was drunk with passion but by the way I'm not looking for commitment, so ... you'll be alrite with that baby? Though in this circumstances I have to say many women out there are strong enuff to raise a kid on her own. Which in the end makes them admirable that they are the perfect picture of learning from a big mistake, accepting fate and living through the consequences. In the end..the joy of having someone who genuinely loves you makes up for all that was (admit guys we can only love our spouses to a certain extent innit!)

So, not trying to make a statement. Just saying, that I genuinely want to be frends with you ppl out there. In particular for the female amongst us, some I fancy. Pls feel free to test if I am boyfrend material, lover material (nak test drive my wedding tackle dulu ke..which comes highly recommended), or for the extreme nak terus kahwin ke... go ahead. If I dont make the cut, well its not fate then. But be assured that I will be a loyal frend.

But if you start testing frendship. To see the extent of a frendship. Just by setting fear factor challanges just to see how far I will go before I crack...AS A FREND! Than adios. So, appology accepted. I just dont want to see you again. Question to other bloggers, wouldnt you do the same?

2006-06-03T04:52:00.000+08:00

The lost and ancient art of communication: a reflection onto thee

I realised recently, that not only does my 'kilang' suffer from the lack of communication, but due to such adverse exposure to this environment, this failure of communication has become part of my psychic anatomy. And so it is, this post is ment as an expression of my guilt and forgiveness for all the wrongs I have done due to this personal dominant deficiency.

Victim 1

It has been sumtime now that I have had a fallout with big sis. For what you may inquire? Over nothing but my own ego over matters that I presumed are relevent and reflective to myself at that particular point. I never understood my big sis's failure to have a fix relationship once. Also I never understood her frustration in life and why she perceives that all the world is againts her. I grew upset with her prudent display of arrogance towards all matters that she holds, to the point that even in a capsule of mistakes, she would maintain her conviction of her actions. For this, I seek the appology for such perceptions and assumptions. For this, I realised how tough the world can be when you are all alone and you feel no one understands what you are going through. For this, I understand how hard it is to find decent relationships when working commitments get the better of you. For this, I understand that sumtimes, just sumtimes, the last thing you need is for somebody to tell you you can't do it when much has been done under your own accord. For this, I beg forgiveness for not understanding the terms you were in then, which are the terms I am in now.

Victim 2

There was a stage when I thought I was the luckiest guy on earth to have close frends and a special one I call bestfrend. Then as times past, commitments at the job intensifies, absence of hellos followed by, life took on a different time schedule. Reality check, in your absence your bestfrend found solace in his other close frends. My, my the green jealosy eyes, for I thought I was forsakened. And..for that I seek the appology. For the times I should have called rather than to expect a call. For the times I should be patient and steadfast on the frendship rather than expecting reciprocation for your efforts. For that, I seek forgiveness of believing I mean nothing to you when in fact, the frendship has never died. It just needed a "hello".

Victim 3

To the love of my life, Anisa. To the one that I have given my heart, I sought to understand our existence once. Clashes of perception and behaviour provided the colors of our illustrascious demise. For that, I seek forgiveness for not turning back that faithfull Saturday, when at that time our love still ment strongly and all it took was for me to get back on that no 24 bus and run back into ur arms again. For this I seek forgiveness for not fighting back the circumstances, to easily fall short of my own self pity, thinkin that u deserved better when I should be the one who will make you happy. For this, I seek forgiveness for succumbing to my ego of not wanting to be an option, to raise the white flag rather than go down the path of love bleeding with conviction and died knowing you have fought with all your heart to win yours.

Victim 4

Sumtimes, maybe sumtimes we should be wary of what we wish and what we promise ourselves. Never make promises you cant keep. And never make rules that you know would probably bite at you one way or another. To my soulmate, I beg you forgiveness. I beg forgiveness for the fact that I could have just called and ask to hear your voice. I should have not waited when you have always been there waiting. I should have never put up this cold persona to turn you off and beg you to forget me, when all I want now is for you to be with me. I should have never assumed that things were in the bag, when in fact, it was just the beginning. And above all I should have just ask, let my heart fly with all the grace that to have me entirely intoxicated by you..and not feel the fear of the unknown certainty.

In conclusion, all my victims suffered from my ego and reluctance to just clear the air. And such air could be just cleared with a simple hello. Again, communication. Thank you my soulmate for showing me the error of my way.

Now, if only I could find away to seek forgiveness for that snickers bar I pinched at 7 Eleven during the 1993 nationwide blackout...hmmmm

2006-04-27T13:04:00.000+08:00

The sense of belonging.

Here is an excerpt that appeared in a WWF (wildlife federation) add that I think would benifit us all.

" The question that we all ask, as humans, and as the race of man, why are we here? We know that planktons are the basis for food for the sea, that spurns the living in the seas. Small ameabas and micro-organisms that help to provide life on one surface.

We know that trees are here to provide oxygen. We know why lakes are formed to make basins for the balance of life on terrains. And like all, why other species exists, so that to live in the whole cycle of life.

I do not know why we are here, but I do know that of all creations we are the ONLY beings that have the power to protect these other species ....and even to protect ourselves."

Very powerfull. I must say. Saw the add, a tear kinda shed a bit. Hmm, maybe getting to sentimentle thses days.

So, to reflect on my side..why am I still in this factory? Well, for what its worth, the long hours, average pay, intense pressure, sleepless nights and all backaching job...I have the power to change the lives of 24 men and their families. In me they come by and trust their very lives (literally) with. With every greased sweat and nights they sacrifice coz.."I believe in Cik Mat". The feeling when I had to retrench a person, very good worker and he just looked up to me and smile and said, "Cik Mat. I know things are worst. I am in the bracket. Lets just let things be. It was an honour working with you , sir"

People. We have responsibilites. To our wife, children, frens, workmates, and every person in the world. As of when the situation happens, we must act tactfully.

To those people who still wander on their inexperience and waffle about we make mistakes, I dont know what I am or what decisions I would do, forgive my innocence of negligence, no need to worry learn from mistakes...life will fall back..I pose you the question of sincerety.

If you are sincere in a relationship, you wont hide behind false pretenses. If you are sincere in frendship, then you would not do upon a fren what you would not want a person to do on you. If you are sincere in work, striving to be the best is your objective.

In life..there are no best frens, just close frens. There is also no bad frend. There are just frend. Logically, why be frens with bad people, right?

I have been used and abused by many. People who say they would love you, they dont. People who've loved you fell out of it. People who say they would like to give it a try, only to leave you high and dry the minute later. Basically, the one who loves me is my family, a guy called Acat (close frend love onelah!) and the factory.

Thus..I am officially putting up the coat. Dah malas. To those who know me, I have tried. My ever so depleting finances in my pocket as testament to my expensive trying to give the lady a good time expenditure. Not to mention the have to be there on time. The waiting. The breakdowns and factory time I sacrificed. Well, begone you women.

So, makciks. Red light open. Go ahead. Get me someone with breast. Face who cares. Got tummy lantak pi. She has only one purpose... and that is to procreat, bear my children. Shutup. Cook and have sex as of when I want to. No more mister nice guy, ahmad the gentlemen. As of now, once arranged..its contractual.

However I would still keep my promise. That girl would still be the person i have sex with till I die or if she tak tahan and leaves me. That girl would still get a b'day present. I will take care of her meals and her expenses and ocassionally treat her to a nice dinner. I will not raise my hand or abuse her nor will a bruise be place on her.

Its just that..my dear girl..u are like a car. A contract. I do not love you. CAn you live with that?

2006-04-12T19:39:00.000+08:00

The Journey...

It has been awhile. In fact, actually it has been ages since I visited this blog. Took time to step back and stare. Took a deep look at what I wrote, what sense I was trying to make, or if there was any sense at all. Well...still trying to figure it out.

A wise operator here in the factory once said, that things are not what they seem. What you think you know, you know not. What you know not, you actually are pretty damn good at it. What does this leads to.. well I recently had a journey. A journey that more or less made me realised that sumtimes you need to crash and be jolted once and awhile. It helps.

Few months ago, I got my self admitted in for what appeared to be denggi. Yes, The Ahmad Zafrullah was admitted to hospital. Not to say that I'm that superfit (which I believe I am, but thats just what I believe innit!) but for the past 27 years of my existence I have never been hospitalised. Anyway, denggi was common. So I thought, ahh well just another day. Try to enjoy it while I can. But then suddenly my blood test results was perculiar. Thus... begins the the very emotional rollercoster ride of blood test results. I had like this fluctuating platlet levels which made the doctor a bit worried. He eventually sent my results to a hemeatologist and we waited patiently (yeah right!) for the results. Speculation grew with every result. THe dreaded assumption was...maybe sufferring from leukemia.

Leukemia. Hoho. Thats pretty great. Hey lads, got like few years to live. Or not. Hope to visit Kinabalu though. The fear and redemption at that moment was pretty intense. But then.. it was maybe. Yes! There might be a chance that all this is a dream, a mistake, maybe I'm drunk or sumthin? This is one bad HANGOVER!! Wake up! Wake up!

But wait! Its not a dream. I'm sure coz they just pinched me with steroids and to all who doubt this it is true.. streroids do give you wet dreams. The nurse told me this. It was kinda cute. She said, "steroid nih nanti kekadang dia macm ade effect sikit. Dose kite bagi nih agak besar so kalau rase nak terkeluar tuh, jgn tahan kasi keluar aje" And I am like, "Dia buat kite tak tahan kencing ke?" And she was giggling and said, "tak heheh..yang satu lagi tuh alah takkan tak tau"

Well, 2 times cumming on the bed sure enough thought me that 1) steroids sure do crazy stuff on you 2) that mandi junub with a drip is sure hell frustrating. So yes. You are steroids injected. Your body is struggling to make platlets and for god sake the bloody hemeatologist sure is taken her damn sweet time.

Thus, in mind in state, of all consciousness and all there is left to ponder, you turn to the One you have ignored...God. Suddenly a poem comes to mind;

" Tuhanku, aku tidak layak untuk syurga mu (God, I'm not worthy of your heaven)
tetapi aku juga tidak sanggup menaggung (Though your damnation I cannot bear)
siksa neraka mu (in ur place of condamnation)
Oleh itu kurniakanlahm (In you, bless me with)
keampunanmu, ampunkanlah dosaku (Forgiveness of all there is)
sesungguhnya engkaulah pengampun (As you are the forgiver, and the Keeper)
dosa-dosa besar (Of Heaven)

So, in a nutshell..God is always close to you when you need Him. So people came and met me. In disbelief actually most of them as the news spread that I was in ICU. But then when they look at me and see me smile, they start saying that I cant be that chronic. Hahah. Me to. I keep telling the doctors that I'm fine but they seem to think otherwise.

So..it is with this realisation that I try to find solace in another..that would be my soulmate I guess. But readers explain me this..At what point does a soulmate is better then an acquintence or fren? Well, let me see. An acquintanced called, came the next day and brought fruits. Second acquintance called, brought naughty magazine and fruits. Frens from factory called and nearly more then half the staff at Continental M'sia visited even the CEO. Best fren came. Had to bring g/fren to shove in face of currently sick b/fren of "how sad you are dude!". So far.. frens and acquintence score 1 : soulmate score ZERO (0).

Soulmate sms, telling you to get well. How the hell do you do that I might ask. That was it. Later waiting for follow up sms.....no reply. Couple of days later..got 1 sms. Ok. Same thing...get better. I'm trying my dear!!

Then, like the silver lining of sunlight from the brim of a cloud after a storm, the hemeatologist appeared. There's nothing wrong with you. Your body make big platlets in emergencies so we kinda wrongly counted them. Wrongly? Not a nice word to be coming from an Expert!! Then again.. ah well. The worst is over.

So, back to normal. Back on my feet. And back to life. But in that shrt journey I realised that God is always hearing you, so He more than deserves your worship. I realised that u've still got frens, company cant work without you and there is no such thing as soulmates. Frens and acquintences are just fine.

To my special someone (d' soulmate u know who you are). I have cared for you eversince my heart fell for that innocence. I still do care. But pls, dont tell a person ur sumeone when infact you are no one. The time I needed you the most, a fren needed you the most..I was left high and dry. How can I be special when even hellos are hard to come by.

Like a journey through the forest of Slovakia (hence the pic) I find my opening, that forever this heart of mine will be torn. As this is my punishment for the wrath of the Almighty for the sins of before.

And you know what...the journeys not ended....it just begun

2006-01-20T17:54:00.000+08:00

Its hard to say goodbye

Hmm..Aleh-aleh all my frends are into this LUVVVVV thing going on. Haha. What can I say about that issue, accept for nil! Not an expert, and never shall be.

But I guess, its hard to say goodbye. To almost anything. The first car, as much as a junk jalopy it might be, it still is ur first car. Kire banyak giler kenanganlah. The first guitar. The Kapok. The numbing and the blisters but it still was the inspiration. The first gilfren, who actually is someone quite famous now. The first discipline problem when u were cought with ur pants down in the prefects toilet and u having the HEM teacher worrying about a URTV pose (I mean come on man, chill out lah cikgu)

And this job. I have many reasons to leave, but have many reasons to stay. Just like Langkawi. I guess I should just let go of the experience. Yes it was fun but...reality is life is not all palms and beaches.

I need to leave my dependency. I am dependent on a lot of things. Yes to all who might think I stopped smoking, I still puff up (most of the time). That has to go. My belly, yes definitely. My so called perfect definition of a women, and my dream girl. The skyline GT R34. My dependent on credit. My dependent on my sister Suraya's jokes, Nadya's wisdom that make me dependent, and to let go of the feeling for this someone.

Sumtimes, I wish I had'nt make stupid rules. It tends to eat back at you. God, trust me I tried to resist the temptation but, I am helpless. I am so in .... with this person. I dream of her, I think of her everytime and every inch of my life now. But I cant have her. Two hearts, need to beat as one, but mine beats alone. I should not give up but my rules make things complicated.

So off I go to find her replacement. And I did. I found someone who for once, I am thinkin of more. I still think of "her" but ...I feel sumthing might happen with Ms Mystery now. "She" knows how I feel. I just hope for "she" that, for what is it worth, "she" is in my heart. But for now...............

I have to bid goodbye. And I open my heart to the world. And for now I am ready. Ms Mystery. I am ready for the jump.

Its hard to say goodbye....(writer takes a deep breath and jumps from his chair. Unfortunately landing on his head and now in the hospital mending a small head injury)

2006-01-18T12:50:00.000+08:00

The thing about love

Sorry for all. I haven't been updating regularly and I wont be able to. Lately I have been struck down big time by this year's manufacturing plan. The factory has (as usual) decided to change its production planning for the Nth time. So basically, thats all I can muster. I guess this space would be a bit lonely in the future.

However, for some reason, something happened to me lately. Made me think about that thing called love. This photo shows the happiness and the love of a sister to a brother. They say its all in the eyes, I say....

The thing about love, it seems overated,
The thing about me, I get constipated,
The thing about why I seem so intense,
The thing about all of this chemical romance

The thing about the thing that they call love

....is a gift of a feeling undescribable from that Person above

P/s: dedicated to all you sad lovers out there!!! Love thy wife, thy family, thy neighbour.

2005-12-28T17:11:00.000+08:00

The Father And I

The holidays brought with it memories but the one I would cherish the most is time spent with dad.

Sometimes, we don't realise that we have soo much. Its just that we look too far and too wide to see the truth. Just like dad. Our lives did not start that rosy. I was born during the hard times. In the 1980's life was pretty tough back then in M'sia. On top of which the whole family was plonked to England as my dad was doing his PhD.

To be honest, I was the naughty one. The child who got the punch and the slap, well mostly mom did that but when dad does it, it can get very emotional. I guess for guys we dont realise how much our emotions effect our family as a father. Mom can say one thing but what a dad says can really hurt. Doncha agree?

So, let me just say we were at each others nerve (even now). But then, life took place. I started to go to college and uni and work. Start to meet so much more people out there with their different kinds and attitudes. Makes what dad is, actually nothing.

I often wonder sometimes how I can tolerate and try to work around pigheaded managers and useless contractors and subordinates, yet fail to understand the slightest remorse from dad if he says," ayah tak suka makan kat sini". I mean, yup he's got issues eating at a place infested with gawking loud youths at McDonalds. Whats wrong with that. And yet I would get a bit upset. Sheesh, talk about toleration , and I'm not married yet.

But its unfair that I show poised restraint from an emotional and unprofessional character at work but become slimy and a jerk at home. We cant have all that we want can we?

So, it was fun with dad at Langkawi. He went walking on the beach. Saw topless women and joked about it. Recalled about his life experience and wanted to share our enjoyment with his.

Dad. This is for you. You might not be that dastardly rich father who can give me a Skyline and a better job.. but you're still my dad. And I would'nt have it any other way.

2005-12-20T13:12:00.000+08:00

The thing about sunrise

The morning is always a welcome. To some, its a resurrection from the dead. An awakening to reality from the slumber of dreamland. For mua, a chance to wake up and face the ever glorious sun head on. Something you don't get these days living in the city.

And so its, my adventours in this island begins. The night before was fun. Which begins my story about ....the band

From my previous posting, I onced mentioned about the Band. How I so miss the times jamming to songs and stuff. Well, fate just so happens planted me into an opportunity of a lifetime. We stayed in a small challet resort called Langkapuri. Oklah, we cant really afford a lavish resort, so whatever that can spare us a bed, a decent toilet and aircond is fine by us.

Aha!!Unbeknowest to us, this challet houses the coolest most happening Rasta music bar amongst the whole Pantai Cenang. Crowds were starting to fill up by 10pm. After arriving around lunch time, and made an initial visit around the island, me and lil sis adjourned to the bar at quarter past 10pm. As me and lil sis were lounging at the back table, approached a guy, whom till this day I dont really remember his name. He offered us drinks and proceeded to chat about life, Langkawi and music.

He happens to know the band that was going to play. Lil sis sort of mentioned that I can play guitar and would like to jam. So the guy said he'll see what he could do. Right, around 11'ish, there was this fat bloke dressed in the customary tie-die outfit approcahing the stage and said the magical words," Hello out there. Its time to get high!!"

And THey Were Xcellent!!!!!!!!!!!11

The singer really had a good voice. Something like putting Seal, Sting and Bryn Adams all rooled into one. And the band, they were plain and simply magical. The thunes they carried out were non-reggea material but given the RAsta touch. What really made them different was they had this group of percussionist that added that jungle/tribal vibe to the music which was intoxicating.

That led the crowd wild and immedietly brought everyone to the dancefloor. Ok, so then they took a break afer 5 songs, which at this point my lil sis took the courage to ask if I could join the group and perform as extra gutarist. They said, its cool, sure.

So for the second set, after a couple of songs the group called me and the whats-his name to the stage to perform a couple of songs. The band was tight and the sound was was was it just made me remember why I fell in love with music in the first place.

Sort of like getting carried away with the music. THat night, I thought I died and went to heaven

So the morning dawn...thats me returning to earth

2005-12-19T13:51:00.000+08:00

I'm Back!!

For all you lots, those, you know who you are. The readers (that I presume exist), hail my coming!!! Right. Guys I must tell you that I had a blast. Langkawi was great. The whole vacation was definitely, yes definitely the much needed break I so much crave for. Ahhhh the pleasures.

And for that, I return to civilisation or what I would call the morbid living matrix of eat-sleep-sex(I wish)-work-sleep-eat. As usual, all the same to anybody who has left the office for more than a week, the piles of jobs to be done on the in ray, emails on the inbox, massages and all forms of 'whatnots' all present itself nicely tied with a red ribbon saying, "get your ass on this urgent pieces of shit"

But no. How I would forget the blis of the white sandy beaches? That I would not. For behold great readers, for the rest of my feeble time till 2007, I will, I pledge, I vow that every single stinking inch and iota of my blogging hours would be left to dedicate itself, to the one and only....majestic Le Vacation in Langkawi

2005-11-09T20:57:00.000+08:00

Clowns to left of me, jokers to the right, here I am stuck in the middle with you

2006. U know what? Theres so many things that happen during our lifetime. Most bigtime event was Sept 11. Then the Anwar vs Mahathir. Then the Mahathir retirement and the beginning of a new era. Monsoons, tsunamis you name it, the whole gamut of events in this lifetime. I must be damn lucky.

2006. The year, I realised, I'm still stuck to the ground. Like an old Sycamore tree, standing proudly, aging as it will, but sits right there. Just right there. The hills are gone, and skyscrapers make up peaks to our urban valleys. 3G technology, broadband network communication, and eating sushi is the "in thing". Hairs, are now in black, white , crimson and perwinkle blue. The young and the old appreciating manicures and padicures. The age of the metrosexuals. Cars are running on batteries.

2006. Your 26. Your not married. Your not seeing anybody. Your fat belly seems to complement its size by an inch on every birthday. You got two cars, a moving career and the customary elegent watch to prove you've arrived. You're desperately trying to lose weight, but you're desperately satisfying your hunger.

2006. Its been 5 years since you've broke up with your first love. Do you miss her? You know you do. But why do you? You dont know. But its 5 years! Move on. Move on. If only this legs can run faster. Yeah faster. Run. Thats good. should try running. That'll get the inch out of the waist.

2006. Its been two years of hiding. Hiding? Yeah from the truth. I finally care for someone. You do? Yeah. Seriously, who can top Anisa? She can. Does she? Ya. But she's not topping anybody. She is just ....she. Ok so why hide? I got to. Yes, we know but why? I cant be with her. Why? Its just not right. What do you mean? Its just not right! What is? Its complicated. Try me? Its just If I mess it up..I'll mess it up. So! She's just another. Another what? Just another

2006. The factory is not doing good. Business is tough. Life can't be any worst. But on the bright side, you're going to be an uncle! Hahah Uncle Polar.

2006. The day I realised, my best fren has moved on. He's got new frens now. I'm just a person in the past he remembers. And so too are the rest, the college clans and university mates. Moved on have they with their lives. You have no fren ahh? Well, guess its just has to be. Wah, you quite sad case huh?

2006. Five years since mom's gone. Dads fine, but I guess he's lonely. He loves mom. I miss her too. Sometimes thinking about our gossip sessions by the kitchen table over biskut marie and tea. YOu know what? Never realised that its tough to find funny girls in this day an age. Fortunately, my youngest sis is a blast. But kind of miss my eldest. Kinda miss Naea. Hang on! got so much things to do. Dad needs a new pair of pants. Little sis needs to brush up on her driving skills and ...need to patch things up with big sis. Need to remember mom's last wishes, "..he can be difficult but you need to take care of him" Well mak, he is difficult, but you know what? He's taking care of me most of the time. Haha!

2006. November 9. Two more days to the road trip. Whoaaahahha!

2007? I guess if I'm still alive, still got a job, haven't found new frens, still in lost with best frens, girl of dreams is just a dream, girl you care still doesn't feel the same, and still stuck with two cars and a demanding career,

... I guess it'll be clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am still stuck in the middle with you (bloggers!)

2005-11-02T11:42:00.000+08:00

Dear...

Watched a movie last night with my little sister. It was called Dear Frankie. Besides the fact that I've got a crush on Sharon Small, the whole movie was brilliant.

The sad truth is, I've actually watched the movie before. It was on the return flight from Vienna to Kuala Lumpur. I watched it 3 times in a row. Well you had to do something on a 13 hour flight innit! I am such a sucker for romantics and stories of the heart.

I betcha that deep down every man that you know, there is a soft spot for the emotional-train infused movies. Plus I got a certain deep admiration for British films.

Aha! The point. I actually kinda prefer foreign films as oppose to American-Hollywood bullshit. Reasons simply due to the fact that what Hollywood lacks is the potratyal of poignancy. The moment. A silence so intense, that no other form of visual representation can clearly represent the emotion but a simple motionless picture. At the same time, script. Hollywood tends to write to much babble. Sometimes scripts work, but the beauty of motion pictures is that its a MOTION PICTURE.

In a motion picture, the canvas is alive. Just like how people say about Salvadori Dali's work, "..frame by frame the images form". Images. Thats what saparates blockbusters with evergreens.

Ok, back to Frankie. Seriously, to all you lots out there, take a time out and watch this masterpiece.

2005-11-01T13:10:00.000+08:00

The thing about those good 'ol days

What I wouldn't give for those good 'ol days. Its only in present that we feel those regrets for the yesteryears. The "what ifs?", the "why didn't?" and all regrets would come up, like frames from a slide, one by one it would haunt you.

And like frames from a slide, the story unfolds. Like the time you were in college, like your first kiss, like the first time you felt when you held a lover's hand. Like the first time you scored straight "A's" then they never repeated again. Like the time, for a brief moment you had the whole world in your hands, and like the time you had the whole world in knots and bends. Memories, those yesteryears. Those times.

Lately, I find myself lamenting over those years that have gone by. Even when I meet up with former schoolmates, boarding mates and 'ol frends, the stories remain the same. Fact of the matter, it gets even worst when the same form of topic becomes the base of my conversation with colleagues and new acquaintances. Am I that sad?

Do I have not anything more interesting to talk about but lament over the past? What is so appealing about the past? What does the past have that the present does not?

You know what? I just realised I am not alone. Historians, as they are called, try to make sense of history and present the facts for things that happened. The documentation as a witness to the happenings are the philosophy of a Historian. Just record and document. Opinions are a footnote.

But I find that the glorification of yesterday, is due to the fact that you don't know what to do tomorrow. Yes. Agree or disagree, I leave it to you. However, is it really far fetched? Is it not logic? We speak of the past so eloquently, with awe with amazement because whats done is done. We may learn from the mistakes made and make preventive measures but what about now? And tomorrow?

Hmm, you are wondering right now, where and what am I leading this into? Simple. Everybody, as in the normal breed of people, who live life everyday are reactive. We need somebody to tell us what to do, tell us what to think, tell us how to react. We do not know how to go about things. We would if we had done it before and found out through the hard way the truth or the end result. But we still need the time to empirically conduct the motives, intent, action or decision first, then we would know the outcome.

Dontcha think its true? How many of us complain coz the boss don't train us well that's why we sucked at our jobs? How many blame parents, upbringing and the families dysfuntionality for why they are who they are now? I can go on and on about this but it all comes down to one and only one realisation...that we cease to function without guidance. And what better guidance but from one with wisdom we call The Leader

You know that person. He/She is that enigmatic and charismatic boss. He/She is that inspiring activist, the go-getter, the man/woman of action. Mother Theresa, Gandhi, Mendela, Bono, William Wallace, Robin Hood (if he existed), Martina Navratilova, Nicol David, and all the people that inspires us. The guiding light that ploughs the way to tell us what is possible from what we thought can never be. We cant live withought heroes.

But what have they, that we don't? Very simple, they don't think of the past. The future is all that matters. All that matters.

So, as I ponder upon my own words, I reflect upon my situation. Being a leader, you already are Amad. 24 men put their trust in you. Their lives and livelihood depend on you. And you are, The Area 1 Chief. The main upstream operation. The main factory component. Withought you, there is no factory. Everyday people look up on you for guidance and solution.

But what do you do? Your thoughts still lingers on those times when you were young, in love and had a band that people worshiped. Those times that made you popular, those times that made you feel like the MAN.

Those times are gone 'Mat! The future, lays in your hands. The opportunity is there, seize it! But you don't. You're still standing on the crossroads, asking yourself the question, that bugging question. You know that question. It has haunted you for the past 4 years. "Can I lead?"

The thing about the good 'ol days is, sometimes we wish that we are at the present when all that is now, are things of before, just like.......... the good 'ol days.

2005-10-25T17:42:00.000+08:00

Its All About The Music

You know what I miss the most? The band. Yep. I was once in a band infact, I think I should start from the beginning.

Music, actually wasn't my interest to start with. From day one, the minute I saw those Knight Rider shows, that Airwolf helicopter whizzing through the skies making that 180 midair turn then unleashing hellspawns ball of fire onto that unsuspecting foe, (ahhhhh the memories) it was set that I will be an engineer. "well now since you are already one how does it feel?" I ask myself.

Honestly, minus those once and a while moments of triumph, I have to say it kinda stinks. But, hang on. I keep on digressing too much. Focus dude, focus. Ok, music. Yes so the idea of listening to music for me was not unheard of till my first impression of Cikgu (teacher) Mustakim.

The vision of this quiet, soft spoken teacher whom teaches music to me at primary school was something to remember. The cool thing was we were trying to hook him up with Cikgu Zaharah, one of the chic-looking 'cikgu's at that time. Imagine, I was just 12 years old then and we match making dudes and dudettes already. Ok ok now stick to the point!

Right! So we had a year end party. Yup I was graduating from primary school, and unlike our American soap/ TV cousins, it isn't such a big thing, not even and end of an era kind of feel. So, this Cikgu Mustakim decided to call in some frends he knew at college to perform at our year end party. There stood cikgu Mustakim, standing before us in his white flannel outfit, with those frilly-frilly cuffs, proudly he stood in the power stance Jimmy Page persona with his head tilted back slightly as he pulled what I can clearly describe as the most sexiest, awe inspiring legato blues run from this candy red stratocaster korean fender copy guitar. Ahhh the bliss

So, it was the fact that it doesn't matter how ridiculous you look, but nothing hits the spot like a raging guitar solo. Hell yeah! Ok fast forward a bit. That did not entirely got me into music yet. Seems that I come from a musically inclined family. My late mother (God bless her soul) was brought up with music. My Late grandparents filled my mom's life with music and throughout the whole family. My uncles had formed a band called "The Rusty Nails". Ya. I know. You asking, 'What the f&^$% kind of name is that?" Hey, it won them the state battle of the bands, so in your face you guys.

Thus, it all started when my sister got hold of a guitar from my uncle. Never actually took any attention to it untill one day, it was Eid somewhere in '93 that one of my uncles came. We sat and my sister ask for some tips and lessons. He picked up the guitar and started to play all these hits from the Beatles, Andy Williams, Dusty Springfield. What made it more memorable was the fact that my mom can really, REALLY SING! Yup. Those were the days. From then on it fueled my determination to play the guitar.

Ahhh, yes the early years. Nowdays kids got all this new electronic gadgets and softwares that help speed up the process of learning such an instrument. In my days, it was basically books and the trusty ears. Then there was my sisters guitar which was this pawn shop type brand called KAPOK. Infact this brand is quite famous actually. Its the poor man's trusty equiptment. How does it play? LIke shit. Getting it in tune is a shear triumph (thats if you're lucky) and the action (string tension) is like torture. You actually bleed playing this piece of crap, but hey it still plays.

So this godforsaken piece of scrap was the instrument that tought me all the tricks, the slides, the pull-offs, the thrills , those wierd chords and scales, arpeggios, yup it was me, the heap of junk tuck between my armpits and those expensive instructional books and magazines. You see, I believe that music comes from vthe heart, that no matter what piece of shit of an instrument is plonked on your lap, its the fingers that gently weaves the magic we all know is music. So, eventhough the guitar was cheap, the instructional books and mags were not. But it was a fair trade.

But everything changed when, upon seeing my progress, one of my uncles decided to give me, his Yamaha F4335 dreadnought acoustic guitar. People, eventhough this was not the Ferrari of acoustic guitars, but a well crafted well balanced decent piece of brilliance made all the difference. The first time I strummed some basic chords, it was like the Sirens by the docks calling to the sea men, with their sweet voices. It was heaven, it was intoxicating. I almost cried.

So, equiped with my new stead, off I went into the sunset awaiting for the new adventoures to come on my quest to be a damn good guitar player.

Ok. So where does that bring me now? Well, the new Yamaha got me so inspired I would like practice 4 to 5 hours a day. I got pretty good. Plus I was like only 14 and could play really really well. Ah ha! You see, I was in high school now. Things changed. And so did this realisation that chicks dig musicians, especially guitar players . I was, the cool guy!!

So, I got transferred to this boerding school under scholarship. Ok, was smart. I still wanted to become an engineer. At this college, I met a frend named Izmet. He, how shall I say this, has THE best voice I have ever heard. We hooked up and with me aon the guitars and Izmet on vocals, we were unstoppable. We were the highlights to any musical soiree's and we brought a new dimension to Talenttime.

Ahhh...but it wasn't till a junior by the name Zulfadli came that things really sparked off. Zulfadli, affectionately known as Ali was only 13, but he was damn good drummer. He actually graduated music grade school at Yamaha for drums at 12. We were also lucky becouse one of my juniors was also a smashing bass player.His name was Fuad. Then by the end of Form Four, i had a new classmate, Johann. Johann, well he is one interesting bloke. Not only does he play guitar but drums, clarinet, sax, piano, bass and violins. Yess the all-rounder.

So, the band was Izmet(vocals), me(lead guitar), Johann(piano,guitar,sax), Ali(drums) and Fuad(bass). People, this was the ultimate band. We did things that highschools band can only dreamed of. We had the whole college worshiped us. We were GODS!!!!

The cool thing was, the drum room, which is the small soundproof studio was really small. It was part of a huge music room. The thing was, everybody in the band was good, but once trapped in that small drum room, we all sounded like piles of noise shit. So, we decided to book the whole music room and place the instruments at different corners, balancing the sound dynamics. It worked, but the side effect was that, since the music room was not sound proof, the whole college could hear us.

That was good, coz from there everybody would like come and gather after lunch to hear us. In short, thats how we set up our fanbase. The cool thing was, we did not have a name for the band. We were known by the fact we were just jamming. So people would like say, "Ehhh..! isn't Johann/Izmet/Ahmad/Zul/Fuad jamming today?"

Yup thats how we gotten to be known. Yeah those were the days.

And those days have gone. I have been in many bands eversince, but none had the spirit and the curiosity to just let go, and let the spirit of music be the base of the band. The thing I miss the most is the fact that everyone took their instruments and skills seriously. Yeah we would jam without knowing the exact way of playing a song but we made it our own, no fear to experiment. That was what made it refreshing and enlightening. And we played off each other, knowing each others direction like the communication was the emotion that everyone felt through our playing. Yup, those days, those spirits...their gone.

And so, till today, I got some people who've known me through time and see me play the guitar, have approached me to form a band. Countless of times I would come to the studio to jam, but many times left dissapointed. Its like losing the one u love. Ah well. I guess some good things happen only once.

I just wished that I can find back the group, or find new frends that belive in what I believe...............thats its all about the music.

2005-10-24T17:30:00.000+08:00

Abstrac

It had been a long day. October 24, 2005. Thats exactly 6 days since the major breakdown at the factory. Still not solved yet. Still thats not whats on my mind. A pair of tatterred Hush Puppies sat silently beneath my table. Its amazing these shoes. It really took in all the assult from the mixer room and managed to survive with minor cuts and injuries. Damn those good shoes!

Shoes. The fact that I don't change them as often merely reflects my atttitude toward things. Like these Hushy Pups. Should change them but, nah not now. Thing is I wouldn't think twice if this was some guitar accessory or engine upgrades. I guess I feel differently to things I am passionate about. But what about love?

You know, I kinda have a problem with that. I have never, ever went all out to pursue that 'person'. I had girlfrens. In fact, got only two. All of them, I actually had the extra advantage. They kinda fancied me first. So, just milk the situation furtherlah

So, this is my dilemma. I am torn, to pursue a person I like, knowing that she might or might not have the same feelings, or to hell with the bloody lass? Also, it does seem wierd that sometimes, priorities appear different given the context of the subject.

Hang on! Back to matters at hand. Damn those gears. Just had to pick up the right time to crashlah kan! Damn, I'm good at fixing things but I can't seem to mend my loneliness. Sometimes wish life was as straight forward like math. Which brings up an interesting point; if the equation culminating (circumstances)(chances)(action)(luck) equals to a life of loneliness, heartache, stress and sleepless nights, at which part do we wish things would change?

Should we change (circumstances)? How ofthen do we realise the resemblence?
Should we change (chances)? How often do we take them?
Should we change (actions)? How do we know which is the right one?
Should we change (luck)?.....Now thats a question by itself.

So, really really lost here. My life looks like the pitts literally. My grease-soaked fingers are testament to a life filled up with machine breakdowns and machine upgrades. Its all the factory. Need a change. Need a new scenary. Need...

Ah well. Doesn't matter anyway. Not like there's gonna be anyone reading this blog anyway. Right, back to the gears. What if I.......

2005-10-20T07:20:00.000+08:00

The thing about being born

I wonder, don't you sometimes feel like the world does not change but you do. I've been stuck in this world where everything is in hue of dark sephia. My world is pretty simple, I wake up, I eat and I sleep. But the funny thing is, My world is getting smaller, or am I getting bigger?

And the voices, those voices. I wonder does everyone get them. I remembered growing up in my family. We had quite a number of brothers and sisters. Life was pretty tight then. U grow with the ever changing politics, economics and social demographics. Life then was always changing, nothing was kept the same. And so to were my brothers and sisters.

As usual national sevice. Yes, everybody had to undergo this life commitment. I never really understood the idea of braving yourself across 25000 miles in the sea and finding your abode, and lay to ponder, answering your questions of life and faith for 9 months.

Come to think of it, its already been 8 months 28 days till graduation. The voices in my head tell me that the prize is big. Well it better be.

"SLGHRUGHHHRT" What!! What was that. The voices. Those voices. That voice. Hang on!

"PISTTTTSHJT" Hey! The atmosphere is crumbling. My world is being torn apart. Hey! Hey!!Can somebody help me!! I live in mucus atmosphere. I cannot survive if the mucus is gone.

Whats this? The sky? The sky its, its....ITS falling down! I am being pushed out of this world. What is happening? Help!! No I can see a light. There is a tunnel and there is a light. They say don't go into the light.

What!? What was that you say? The voices. The voices they want me to go through... the light. What does all this mean?

"Come on now push Hendon, push! Yes hes coming, he is ... yes here he is"
"Its a big baby boy"

"Warghhhhhhhhhh"

"Congratulations sir, the baby's safe. He's an Arien. Happy March baby"

Whats this world? Why am I small? The voices in my head,,,they have stopped.

2005-10-20T02:18:00.000+08:00

"Tick, tock, tick ,tock" I can't believe its 2.19 am. Sheesh. What am I doing here? Still hanging on, can I keep awake? I must. But should I? I mean, all's well, I presume. Wait a minute! Get a grip son.

It all started yesterday. Again, the phone. Damn. Cant they figure out cloning soon? Getting tired of all this late night calls telling you the world would end when one of them damn machines get busted. Yeah, really, like its going to be the end of the world. But, hey, thats me. Mr Area1 know-it-all, super sexy engineer. As always, work gets the better of me.

Fast forward. Freeze the frame. Yes the present. At the moment its 2.19 am. And you're still stuck in the office, you sad oak-lifeless geek. "..tick, tock, tick, tock" Ahhrggg get that monotonous tone out of here. I wait. Patiently? Time will tell. By the way, I wonder how Nathan's doing?

"Lots more to go 'Mat. We still haven't got the gears out yet" said Nathan. That was 4 hours ago. What? 4 hours ago? Damn! Nathan's gonna be pissed! I realized I left my supervisor deep in the trenches of the breakdown. I wonder would a tall glass of milked Nescafe do the trick? "Oh, Nathan?"

Hang on! That still does not answer the question. Its 2.19 in th.. WHAT 2.38am!!! Time does fly. Just like when I was born. When I was born..well

2005-10-20T00:51:00.000+08:00

The thing about this blog is that, well like all the other bloggers that I have come across, there is always the need to express oneself. Well, frankly, expressing oneself seems to envelope the desire of an individual to be a total arse, innit? Think about it, we say what we want to say, when we want to say it, to whom we say it to and why do we say it, you may say, that we say, what we said to whom it is, means nothing whatsoever to why we should say, what we say to whom we said it. (Confused?)

So, get the drift? Blogging culture (based on my encounters lately) tends to talk of life and philosophy and all the other cultural-neotheological bullshit that tries to make us appear smart, cultured, educated, when in fact, to all you blokes and lasses, its just wisdom of experiences. To put it simple, you trampled on dogshit, so you're telling the crowd to beware.

Thus, the thing about blogging and why I find it immensly entertaining is the fact that regardless of all the bullshit written about ones random thoughts and experiences, some other sad bloke (or chick) would have went to the same torture and, in the spirit of blogology, actually have something genuinely decent to say about it.

Right. So nuff said, here I am. Who am I? Hmm good question isn't? Honestly, I'm pretty confused myself. I used to be what I was then, someone whom I wasn't now but was then someone who thought that what is now considered to be what was then is what shall not be. (More confused?)

Well, thats the beauty of blogging as far as I have come to understand. You can write your own logic the way you want it to be, just the way it was ment by you. And for me, I can be as confusing as I want to be right now or as winded and illogical as I can be, coz its my blog, my thoughts and its all mine.

So, I have not answered the question haven't I? Who am I? Well this is were this blog will be different. Every entry will be, from time to time, exploring, documenting and expressing views that are seen from a storyline perspective. What I hope to create is a backdrop to a motion picture starring my life and others (people I know) the way a camera would look at.

All in the hope to find myself. Yes myself. As I really don't know who I am.