Clowns to left of me, jokers to the right, here I am stuck in the middle with you

2006. U know what? Theres so many things that happen during our lifetime. Most bigtime event was Sept 11. Then the Anwar vs Mahathir. Then the Mahathir retirement and the beginning of a new era. Monsoons, tsunamis you name it, the whole gamut of events in this lifetime. I must be damn lucky.

2006. The year, I realised, I'm still stuck to the ground. Like an old Sycamore tree, standing proudly, aging as it will, but sits right there. Just right there. The hills are gone, and skyscrapers make up peaks to our urban valleys. 3G technology, broadband network communication, and eating sushi is the "in thing". Hairs, are now in black, white , crimson and perwinkle blue. The young and the old appreciating manicures and padicures. The age of the metrosexuals. Cars are running on batteries.

2006. Your 26. Your not married. Your not seeing anybody. Your fat belly seems to complement its size by an inch on every birthday. You got two cars, a moving career and the customary elegent watch to prove you've arrived. You're desperately trying to lose weight, but you're desperately satisfying your hunger.

2006. Its been 5 years since you've broke up with your first love. Do you miss her? You know you do. But why do you? You dont know. But its 5 years! Move on. Move on. If only this legs can run faster. Yeah faster. Run. Thats good. should try running. That'll get the inch out of the waist.

2006. Its been two years of hiding. Hiding? Yeah from the truth. I finally care for someone. You do? Yeah. Seriously, who can top Anisa? She can. Does she? Ya. But she's not topping anybody. She is just ....she. Ok so why hide? I got to. Yes, we know but why? I cant be with her. Why? Its just not right. What do you mean? Its just not right! What is? Its complicated. Try me? Its just If I mess it up..I'll mess it up. So! She's just another. Another what? Just another

2006. The factory is not doing good. Business is tough. Life can't be any worst. But on the bright side, you're going to be an uncle! Hahah Uncle Polar.

2006. The day I realised, my best fren has moved on. He's got new frens now. I'm just a person in the past he remembers. And so too are the rest, the college clans and university mates. Moved on have they with their lives. You have no fren ahh? Well, guess its just has to be. Wah, you quite sad case huh?

2006. Five years since mom's gone. Dads fine, but I guess he's lonely. He loves mom. I miss her too. Sometimes thinking about our gossip sessions by the kitchen table over biskut marie and tea. YOu know what? Never realised that its tough to find funny girls in this day an age. Fortunately, my youngest sis is a blast. But kind of miss my eldest. Kinda miss Naea. Hang on! got so much things to do. Dad needs a new pair of pants. Little sis needs to brush up on her driving skills and ...need to patch things up with big sis. Need to remember mom's last wishes, "..he can be difficult but you need to take care of him" Well mak, he is difficult, but you know what? He's taking care of me most of the time. Haha!

2006. November 9. Two more days to the road trip. Whoaaahahha!

2007? I guess if I'm still alive, still got a job, haven't found new frens, still in lost with best frens, girl of dreams is just a dream, girl you care still doesn't feel the same, and still stuck with two cars and a demanding career,


... I guess it'll be clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am still stuck in the middle with you (bloggers!)

Dear...

Watched a movie last night with my little sister. It was called Dear Frankie. Besides the fact that I've got a crush on Sharon Small, the whole movie was brilliant.

The sad truth is, I've actually watched the movie before. It was on the return flight from Vienna to Kuala Lumpur. I watched it 3 times in a row. Well you had to do something on a 13 hour flight innit! I am such a sucker for romantics and stories of the heart.

I betcha that deep down every man that you know, there is a soft spot for the emotional-train infused movies. Plus I got a certain deep admiration for British films.

Aha! The point. I actually kinda prefer foreign films as oppose to American-Hollywood bullshit. Reasons simply due to the fact that what Hollywood lacks is the potratyal of poignancy. The moment. A silence so intense, that no other form of visual representation can clearly represent the emotion but a simple motionless picture. At the same time, script. Hollywood tends to write to much babble. Sometimes scripts work, but the beauty of motion pictures is that its a MOTION PICTURE.

In a motion picture, the canvas is alive. Just like how people say about Salvadori Dali's work, "..frame by frame the images form". Images. Thats what saparates blockbusters with evergreens.

Ok, back to Frankie. Seriously, to all you lots out there, take a time out and watch this masterpiece.

The thing about those good 'ol days

What I wouldn't give for those good 'ol days. Its only in present that we feel those regrets for the yesteryears. The "what ifs?", the "why didn't?" and all regrets would come up, like frames from a slide, one by one it would haunt you.

And like frames from a slide, the story unfolds. Like the time you were in college, like your first kiss, like the first time you felt when you held a lover's hand. Like the first time you scored straight "A's" then they never repeated again. Like the time, for a brief moment you had the whole world in your hands, and like the time you had the whole world in knots and bends. Memories, those yesteryears. Those times.

Lately, I find myself lamenting over those years that have gone by. Even when I meet up with former schoolmates, boarding mates and 'ol frends, the stories remain the same. Fact of the matter, it gets even worst when the same form of topic becomes the base of my conversation with colleagues and new acquaintances. Am I that sad?

Do I have not anything more interesting to talk about but lament over the past? What is so appealing about the past? What does the past have that the present does not?

You know what? I just realised I am not alone. Historians, as they are called, try to make sense of history and present the facts for things that happened. The documentation as a witness to the happenings are the philosophy of a Historian. Just record and document. Opinions are a footnote.

But I find that the glorification of yesterday, is due to the fact that you don't know what to do tomorrow. Yes. Agree or disagree, I leave it to you. However, is it really far fetched? Is it not logic? We speak of the past so eloquently, with awe with amazement because whats done is done. We may learn from the mistakes made and make preventive measures but what about now? And tomorrow?

Hmm, you are wondering right now, where and what am I leading this into? Simple. Everybody, as in the normal breed of people, who live life everyday are reactive. We need somebody to tell us what to do, tell us what to think, tell us how to react. We do not know how to go about things. We would if we had done it before and found out through the hard way the truth or the end result. But we still need the time to empirically conduct the motives, intent, action or decision first, then we would know the outcome.

Dontcha think its true? How many of us complain coz the boss don't train us well that's why we sucked at our jobs? How many blame parents, upbringing and the families dysfuntionality for why they are who they are now? I can go on and on about this but it all comes down to one and only one realisation...that we cease to function without guidance. And what better guidance but from one with wisdom we call The Leader

You know that person. He/She is that enigmatic and charismatic boss. He/She is that inspiring activist, the go-getter, the man/woman of action. Mother Theresa, Gandhi, Mendela, Bono, William Wallace, Robin Hood (if he existed), Martina Navratilova, Nicol David, and all the people that inspires us. The guiding light that ploughs the way to tell us what is possible from what we thought can never be. We cant live withought heroes.

But what have they, that we don't? Very simple, they don't think of the past. The future is all that matters. All that matters.

So, as I ponder upon my own words, I reflect upon my situation. Being a leader, you already are Amad. 24 men put their trust in you. Their lives and livelihood depend on you. And you are, The Area 1 Chief. The main upstream operation. The main factory component. Withought you, there is no factory. Everyday people look up on you for guidance and solution.

But what do you do? Your thoughts still lingers on those times when you were young, in love and had a band that people worshiped. Those times that made you popular, those times that made you feel like the MAN.

Those times are gone 'Mat! The future, lays in your hands. The opportunity is there, seize it! But you don't. You're still standing on the crossroads, asking yourself the question, that bugging question. You know that question. It has haunted you for the past 4 years. "Can I lead?"

The thing about the good 'ol days is, sometimes we wish that we are at the present when all that is now, are things of before, just like.......... the good 'ol days.

Its All About The Music

You know what I miss the most? The band. Yep. I was once in a band infact, I think I should start from the beginning.

Music, actually wasn't my interest to start with. From day one, the minute I saw those Knight Rider shows, that Airwolf helicopter whizzing through the skies making that 180 midair turn then unleashing hellspawns ball of fire onto that unsuspecting foe, (ahhhhh the memories) it was set that I will be an engineer. "well now since you are already one how does it feel?" I ask myself.

Honestly, minus those once and a while moments of triumph, I have to say it kinda stinks. But, hang on. I keep on digressing too much. Focus dude, focus. Ok, music. Yes so the idea of listening to music for me was not unheard of till my first impression of Cikgu (teacher) Mustakim.

The vision of this quiet, soft spoken teacher whom teaches music to me at primary school was something to remember. The cool thing was we were trying to hook him up with Cikgu Zaharah, one of the chic-looking 'cikgu's at that time. Imagine, I was just 12 years old then and we match making dudes and dudettes already. Ok ok now stick to the point!

Right! So we had a year end party. Yup I was graduating from primary school, and unlike our American soap/ TV cousins, it isn't such a big thing, not even and end of an era kind of feel. So, this Cikgu Mustakim decided to call in some frends he knew at college to perform at our year end party. There stood cikgu Mustakim, standing before us in his white flannel outfit, with those frilly-frilly cuffs, proudly he stood in the power stance Jimmy Page persona with his head tilted back slightly as he pulled what I can clearly describe as the most sexiest, awe inspiring legato blues run from this candy red stratocaster korean fender copy guitar. Ahhh the bliss

So, it was the fact that it doesn't matter how ridiculous you look, but nothing hits the spot like a raging guitar solo. Hell yeah! Ok fast forward a bit. That did not entirely got me into music yet. Seems that I come from a musically inclined family. My late mother (God bless her soul) was brought up with music. My Late grandparents filled my mom's life with music and throughout the whole family. My uncles had formed a band called "The Rusty Nails". Ya. I know. You asking, 'What the f&^$% kind of name is that?" Hey, it won them the state battle of the bands, so in your face you guys.

Thus, it all started when my sister got hold of a guitar from my uncle. Never actually took any attention to it untill one day, it was Eid somewhere in '93 that one of my uncles came. We sat and my sister ask for some tips and lessons. He picked up the guitar and started to play all these hits from the Beatles, Andy Williams, Dusty Springfield. What made it more memorable was the fact that my mom can really, REALLY SING! Yup. Those were the days. From then on it fueled my determination to play the guitar.

Ahhh, yes the early years. Nowdays kids got all this new electronic gadgets and softwares that help speed up the process of learning such an instrument. In my days, it was basically books and the trusty ears. Then there was my sisters guitar which was this pawn shop type brand called KAPOK. Infact this brand is quite famous actually. Its the poor man's trusty equiptment. How does it play? LIke shit. Getting it in tune is a shear triumph (thats if you're lucky) and the action (string tension) is like torture. You actually bleed playing this piece of crap, but hey it still plays.

So this godforsaken piece of scrap was the instrument that tought me all the tricks, the slides, the pull-offs, the thrills , those wierd chords and scales, arpeggios, yup it was me, the heap of junk tuck between my armpits and those expensive instructional books and magazines. You see, I believe that music comes from vthe heart, that no matter what piece of shit of an instrument is plonked on your lap, its the fingers that gently weaves the magic we all know is music. So, eventhough the guitar was cheap, the instructional books and mags were not. But it was a fair trade.

But everything changed when, upon seeing my progress, one of my uncles decided to give me, his Yamaha F4335 dreadnought acoustic guitar. People, eventhough this was not the Ferrari of acoustic guitars, but a well crafted well balanced decent piece of brilliance made all the difference. The first time I strummed some basic chords, it was like the Sirens by the docks calling to the sea men, with their sweet voices. It was heaven, it was intoxicating. I almost cried.

So, equiped with my new stead, off I went into the sunset awaiting for the new adventoures to come on my quest to be a damn good guitar player.

Ok. So where does that bring me now? Well, the new Yamaha got me so inspired I would like practice 4 to 5 hours a day. I got pretty good. Plus I was like only 14 and could play really really well. Ah ha! You see, I was in high school now. Things changed. And so did this realisation that chicks dig musicians, especially guitar players . I was, the cool guy!!

So, I got transferred to this boerding school under scholarship. Ok, was smart. I still wanted to become an engineer. At this college, I met a frend named Izmet. He, how shall I say this, has THE best voice I have ever heard. We hooked up and with me aon the guitars and Izmet on vocals, we were unstoppable. We were the highlights to any musical soiree's and we brought a new dimension to Talenttime.

Ahhh...but it wasn't till a junior by the name Zulfadli came that things really sparked off. Zulfadli, affectionately known as Ali was only 13, but he was damn good drummer. He actually graduated music grade school at Yamaha for drums at 12. We were also lucky becouse one of my juniors was also a smashing bass player.His name was Fuad. Then by the end of Form Four, i had a new classmate, Johann. Johann, well he is one interesting bloke. Not only does he play guitar but drums, clarinet, sax, piano, bass and violins. Yess the all-rounder.

So, the band was Izmet(vocals), me(lead guitar), Johann(piano,guitar,sax), Ali(drums) and Fuad(bass). People, this was the ultimate band. We did things that highschools band can only dreamed of. We had the whole college worshiped us. We were GODS!!!!

The cool thing was, the drum room, which is the small soundproof studio was really small. It was part of a huge music room. The thing was, everybody in the band was good, but once trapped in that small drum room, we all sounded like piles of noise shit. So, we decided to book the whole music room and place the instruments at different corners, balancing the sound dynamics. It worked, but the side effect was that, since the music room was not sound proof, the whole college could hear us.

That was good, coz from there everybody would like come and gather after lunch to hear us. In short, thats how we set up our fanbase. The cool thing was, we did not have a name for the band. We were known by the fact we were just jamming. So people would like say, "Ehhh..! isn't Johann/Izmet/Ahmad/Zul/Fuad jamming today?"

Yup thats how we gotten to be known. Yeah those were the days.

And those days have gone. I have been in many bands eversince, but none had the spirit and the curiosity to just let go, and let the spirit of music be the base of the band. The thing I miss the most is the fact that everyone took their instruments and skills seriously. Yeah we would jam without knowing the exact way of playing a song but we made it our own, no fear to experiment. That was what made it refreshing and enlightening. And we played off each other, knowing each others direction like the communication was the emotion that everyone felt through our playing. Yup, those days, those spirits...their gone.

And so, till today, I got some people who've known me through time and see me play the guitar, have approached me to form a band. Countless of times I would come to the studio to jam, but many times left dissapointed. Its like losing the one u love. Ah well. I guess some good things happen only once.

I just wished that I can find back the group, or find new frends that belive in what I believe...............thats its all about the music.