Clowns to left of me, jokers to the right, here I am stuck in the middle with you

2006. U know what? Theres so many things that happen during our lifetime. Most bigtime event was Sept 11. Then the Anwar vs Mahathir. Then the Mahathir retirement and the beginning of a new era. Monsoons, tsunamis you name it, the whole gamut of events in this lifetime. I must be damn lucky.

2006. The year, I realised, I'm still stuck to the ground. Like an old Sycamore tree, standing proudly, aging as it will, but sits right there. Just right there. The hills are gone, and skyscrapers make up peaks to our urban valleys. 3G technology, broadband network communication, and eating sushi is the "in thing". Hairs, are now in black, white , crimson and perwinkle blue. The young and the old appreciating manicures and padicures. The age of the metrosexuals. Cars are running on batteries.

2006. Your 26. Your not married. Your not seeing anybody. Your fat belly seems to complement its size by an inch on every birthday. You got two cars, a moving career and the customary elegent watch to prove you've arrived. You're desperately trying to lose weight, but you're desperately satisfying your hunger.

2006. Its been 5 years since you've broke up with your first love. Do you miss her? You know you do. But why do you? You dont know. But its 5 years! Move on. Move on. If only this legs can run faster. Yeah faster. Run. Thats good. should try running. That'll get the inch out of the waist.

2006. Its been two years of hiding. Hiding? Yeah from the truth. I finally care for someone. You do? Yeah. Seriously, who can top Anisa? She can. Does she? Ya. But she's not topping anybody. She is just ....she. Ok so why hide? I got to. Yes, we know but why? I cant be with her. Why? Its just not right. What do you mean? Its just not right! What is? Its complicated. Try me? Its just If I mess it up..I'll mess it up. So! She's just another. Another what? Just another

2006. The factory is not doing good. Business is tough. Life can't be any worst. But on the bright side, you're going to be an uncle! Hahah Uncle Polar.

2006. The day I realised, my best fren has moved on. He's got new frens now. I'm just a person in the past he remembers. And so too are the rest, the college clans and university mates. Moved on have they with their lives. You have no fren ahh? Well, guess its just has to be. Wah, you quite sad case huh?

2006. Five years since mom's gone. Dads fine, but I guess he's lonely. He loves mom. I miss her too. Sometimes thinking about our gossip sessions by the kitchen table over biskut marie and tea. YOu know what? Never realised that its tough to find funny girls in this day an age. Fortunately, my youngest sis is a blast. But kind of miss my eldest. Kinda miss Naea. Hang on! got so much things to do. Dad needs a new pair of pants. Little sis needs to brush up on her driving skills and ...need to patch things up with big sis. Need to remember mom's last wishes, "..he can be difficult but you need to take care of him" Well mak, he is difficult, but you know what? He's taking care of me most of the time. Haha!

2006. November 9. Two more days to the road trip. Whoaaahahha!

2007? I guess if I'm still alive, still got a job, haven't found new frens, still in lost with best frens, girl of dreams is just a dream, girl you care still doesn't feel the same, and still stuck with two cars and a demanding career,


... I guess it'll be clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am still stuck in the middle with you (bloggers!)

Dear...

Watched a movie last night with my little sister. It was called Dear Frankie. Besides the fact that I've got a crush on Sharon Small, the whole movie was brilliant.

The sad truth is, I've actually watched the movie before. It was on the return flight from Vienna to Kuala Lumpur. I watched it 3 times in a row. Well you had to do something on a 13 hour flight innit! I am such a sucker for romantics and stories of the heart.

I betcha that deep down every man that you know, there is a soft spot for the emotional-train infused movies. Plus I got a certain deep admiration for British films.

Aha! The point. I actually kinda prefer foreign films as oppose to American-Hollywood bullshit. Reasons simply due to the fact that what Hollywood lacks is the potratyal of poignancy. The moment. A silence so intense, that no other form of visual representation can clearly represent the emotion but a simple motionless picture. At the same time, script. Hollywood tends to write to much babble. Sometimes scripts work, but the beauty of motion pictures is that its a MOTION PICTURE.

In a motion picture, the canvas is alive. Just like how people say about Salvadori Dali's work, "..frame by frame the images form". Images. Thats what saparates blockbusters with evergreens.

Ok, back to Frankie. Seriously, to all you lots out there, take a time out and watch this masterpiece.

The thing about those good 'ol days

What I wouldn't give for those good 'ol days. Its only in present that we feel those regrets for the yesteryears. The "what ifs?", the "why didn't?" and all regrets would come up, like frames from a slide, one by one it would haunt you.

And like frames from a slide, the story unfolds. Like the time you were in college, like your first kiss, like the first time you felt when you held a lover's hand. Like the first time you scored straight "A's" then they never repeated again. Like the time, for a brief moment you had the whole world in your hands, and like the time you had the whole world in knots and bends. Memories, those yesteryears. Those times.

Lately, I find myself lamenting over those years that have gone by. Even when I meet up with former schoolmates, boarding mates and 'ol frends, the stories remain the same. Fact of the matter, it gets even worst when the same form of topic becomes the base of my conversation with colleagues and new acquaintances. Am I that sad?

Do I have not anything more interesting to talk about but lament over the past? What is so appealing about the past? What does the past have that the present does not?

You know what? I just realised I am not alone. Historians, as they are called, try to make sense of history and present the facts for things that happened. The documentation as a witness to the happenings are the philosophy of a Historian. Just record and document. Opinions are a footnote.

But I find that the glorification of yesterday, is due to the fact that you don't know what to do tomorrow. Yes. Agree or disagree, I leave it to you. However, is it really far fetched? Is it not logic? We speak of the past so eloquently, with awe with amazement because whats done is done. We may learn from the mistakes made and make preventive measures but what about now? And tomorrow?

Hmm, you are wondering right now, where and what am I leading this into? Simple. Everybody, as in the normal breed of people, who live life everyday are reactive. We need somebody to tell us what to do, tell us what to think, tell us how to react. We do not know how to go about things. We would if we had done it before and found out through the hard way the truth or the end result. But we still need the time to empirically conduct the motives, intent, action or decision first, then we would know the outcome.

Dontcha think its true? How many of us complain coz the boss don't train us well that's why we sucked at our jobs? How many blame parents, upbringing and the families dysfuntionality for why they are who they are now? I can go on and on about this but it all comes down to one and only one realisation...that we cease to function without guidance. And what better guidance but from one with wisdom we call The Leader

You know that person. He/She is that enigmatic and charismatic boss. He/She is that inspiring activist, the go-getter, the man/woman of action. Mother Theresa, Gandhi, Mendela, Bono, William Wallace, Robin Hood (if he existed), Martina Navratilova, Nicol David, and all the people that inspires us. The guiding light that ploughs the way to tell us what is possible from what we thought can never be. We cant live withought heroes.

But what have they, that we don't? Very simple, they don't think of the past. The future is all that matters. All that matters.

So, as I ponder upon my own words, I reflect upon my situation. Being a leader, you already are Amad. 24 men put their trust in you. Their lives and livelihood depend on you. And you are, The Area 1 Chief. The main upstream operation. The main factory component. Withought you, there is no factory. Everyday people look up on you for guidance and solution.

But what do you do? Your thoughts still lingers on those times when you were young, in love and had a band that people worshiped. Those times that made you popular, those times that made you feel like the MAN.

Those times are gone 'Mat! The future, lays in your hands. The opportunity is there, seize it! But you don't. You're still standing on the crossroads, asking yourself the question, that bugging question. You know that question. It has haunted you for the past 4 years. "Can I lead?"

The thing about the good 'ol days is, sometimes we wish that we are at the present when all that is now, are things of before, just like.......... the good 'ol days.