The sense of belonging.

Here is an excerpt that appeared in a WWF (wildlife federation) add that I think would benifit us all.

" The question that we all ask, as humans, and as the race of man, why are we here? We know that planktons are the basis for food for the sea, that spurns the living in the seas. Small ameabas and micro-organisms that help to provide life on one surface.

We know that trees are here to provide oxygen. We know why lakes are formed to make basins for the balance of life on terrains. And like all, why other species exists, so that to live in the whole cycle of life.

I do not know why we are here, but I do know that of all creations we are the ONLY beings that have the power to protect these other species ....and even to protect ourselves."

Very powerfull. I must say. Saw the add, a tear kinda shed a bit. Hmm, maybe getting to sentimentle thses days.

So, to reflect on my side..why am I still in this factory? Well, for what its worth, the long hours, average pay, intense pressure, sleepless nights and all backaching job...I have the power to change the lives of 24 men and their families. In me they come by and trust their very lives (literally) with. With every greased sweat and nights they sacrifice coz.."I believe in Cik Mat". The feeling when I had to retrench a person, very good worker and he just looked up to me and smile and said, "Cik Mat. I know things are worst. I am in the bracket. Lets just let things be. It was an honour working with you , sir"

People. We have responsibilites. To our wife, children, frens, workmates, and every person in the world. As of when the situation happens, we must act tactfully.

To those people who still wander on their inexperience and waffle about we make mistakes, I dont know what I am or what decisions I would do, forgive my innocence of negligence, no need to worry learn from mistakes...life will fall back..I pose you the question of sincerety.

If you are sincere in a relationship, you wont hide behind false pretenses. If you are sincere in frendship, then you would not do upon a fren what you would not want a person to do on you. If you are sincere in work, striving to be the best is your objective.

In life..there are no best frens, just close frens. There is also no bad frend. There are just frend. Logically, why be frens with bad people, right?

I have been used and abused by many. People who say they would love you, they dont. People who've loved you fell out of it. People who say they would like to give it a try, only to leave you high and dry the minute later. Basically, the one who loves me is my family, a guy called Acat (close frend love onelah!) and the factory.

Thus..I am officially putting up the coat. Dah malas. To those who know me, I have tried. My ever so depleting finances in my pocket as testament to my expensive trying to give the lady a good time expenditure. Not to mention the have to be there on time. The waiting. The breakdowns and factory time I sacrificed. Well, begone you women.

So, makciks. Red light open. Go ahead. Get me someone with breast. Face who cares. Got tummy lantak pi. She has only one purpose... and that is to procreat, bear my children. Shutup. Cook and have sex as of when I want to. No more mister nice guy, ahmad the gentlemen. As of now, once arranged..its contractual.

However I would still keep my promise. That girl would still be the person i have sex with till I die or if she tak tahan and leaves me. That girl would still get a b'day present. I will take care of her meals and her expenses and ocassionally treat her to a nice dinner. I will not raise my hand or abuse her nor will a bruise be place on her.

Its just that..my dear girl..u are like a car. A contract. I do not love you. CAn you live with that?

The Journey...

It has been awhile. In fact, actually it has been ages since I visited this blog. Took time to step back and stare. Took a deep look at what I wrote, what sense I was trying to make, or if there was any sense at all. Well...still trying to figure it out.

A wise operator here in the factory once said, that things are not what they seem. What you think you know, you know not. What you know not, you actually are pretty damn good at it. What does this leads to.. well I recently had a journey. A journey that more or less made me realised that sumtimes you need to crash and be jolted once and awhile. It helps.

Few months ago, I got my self admitted in for what appeared to be denggi. Yes, The Ahmad Zafrullah was admitted to hospital. Not to say that I'm that superfit (which I believe I am, but thats just what I believe innit!) but for the past 27 years of my existence I have never been hospitalised. Anyway, denggi was common. So I thought, ahh well just another day. Try to enjoy it while I can. But then suddenly my blood test results was perculiar. Thus... begins the the very emotional rollercoster ride of blood test results. I had like this fluctuating platlet levels which made the doctor a bit worried. He eventually sent my results to a hemeatologist and we waited patiently (yeah right!) for the results. Speculation grew with every result. THe dreaded assumption was...maybe sufferring from leukemia.

Leukemia. Hoho. Thats pretty great. Hey lads, got like few years to live. Or not. Hope to visit Kinabalu though. The fear and redemption at that moment was pretty intense. But then.. it was maybe. Yes! There might be a chance that all this is a dream, a mistake, maybe I'm drunk or sumthin? This is one bad HANGOVER!! Wake up! Wake up!

But wait! Its not a dream. I'm sure coz they just pinched me with steroids and to all who doubt this it is true.. streroids do give you wet dreams. The nurse told me this. It was kinda cute. She said, "steroid nih nanti kekadang dia macm ade effect sikit. Dose kite bagi nih agak besar so kalau rase nak terkeluar tuh, jgn tahan kasi keluar aje" And I am like, "Dia buat kite tak tahan kencing ke?" And she was giggling and said, "tak heheh..yang satu lagi tuh alah takkan tak tau"

Well, 2 times cumming on the bed sure enough thought me that 1) steroids sure do crazy stuff on you 2) that mandi junub with a drip is sure hell frustrating. So yes. You are steroids injected. Your body is struggling to make platlets and for god sake the bloody hemeatologist sure is taken her damn sweet time.

Thus, in mind in state, of all consciousness and all there is left to ponder, you turn to the One you have ignored...God. Suddenly a poem comes to mind;

" Tuhanku, aku tidak layak untuk syurga mu (God, I'm not worthy of your heaven)
tetapi aku juga tidak sanggup menaggung (Though your damnation I cannot bear)
siksa neraka mu (in ur place of condamnation)
Oleh itu kurniakanlahm (In you, bless me with)
keampunanmu, ampunkanlah dosaku (Forgiveness of all there is)
sesungguhnya engkaulah pengampun (As you are the forgiver, and the Keeper)
dosa-dosa besar (Of Heaven)

So, in a nutshell..God is always close to you when you need Him. So people came and met me. In disbelief actually most of them as the news spread that I was in ICU. But then when they look at me and see me smile, they start saying that I cant be that chronic. Hahah. Me to. I keep telling the doctors that I'm fine but they seem to think otherwise.

So..it is with this realisation that I try to find solace in another..that would be my soulmate I guess. But readers explain me this..At what point does a soulmate is better then an acquintence or fren? Well, let me see. An acquintanced called, came the next day and brought fruits. Second acquintance called, brought naughty magazine and fruits. Frens from factory called and nearly more then half the staff at Continental M'sia visited even the CEO. Best fren came. Had to bring g/fren to shove in face of currently sick b/fren of "how sad you are dude!". So far.. frens and acquintence score 1 : soulmate score ZERO (0).

Soulmate sms, telling you to get well. How the hell do you do that I might ask. That was it. Later waiting for follow up sms.....no reply. Couple of days later..got 1 sms. Ok. Same thing...get better. I'm trying my dear!!

Then, like the silver lining of sunlight from the brim of a cloud after a storm, the hemeatologist appeared. There's nothing wrong with you. Your body make big platlets in emergencies so we kinda wrongly counted them. Wrongly? Not a nice word to be coming from an Expert!! Then again.. ah well. The worst is over.

So, back to normal. Back on my feet. And back to life. But in that shrt journey I realised that God is always hearing you, so He more than deserves your worship. I realised that u've still got frens, company cant work without you and there is no such thing as soulmates. Frens and acquintences are just fine.

To my special someone (d' soulmate u know who you are). I have cared for you eversince my heart fell for that innocence. I still do care. But pls, dont tell a person ur sumeone when infact you are no one. The time I needed you the most, a fren needed you the most..I was left high and dry. How can I be special when even hellos are hard to come by.

Like a journey through the forest of Slovakia (hence the pic) I find my opening, that forever this heart of mine will be torn. As this is my punishment for the wrath of the Almighty for the sins of before.

And you know what...the journeys not ended....it just begun