Seeking solance.

My, my. Its 2007. What have we got to offer, ey? Nothings much that is as much as much there is that makes for all there is. What can I say anymore? Nothing any free mind can comprehend.

But then again, though stumble and fall, we pick up the pieces, we rise with whatever possesed and what might we have, to go again and fall back to the ground as fate dictates it. Do I make any sense? Shud I make sense? The more we make sense of things in our lives, the more confuse we get when the judgement we set turns wrong, fall back again we become to the beginning of the chapter...from which we fell.

But thats life innit. Kinda like a qoute this mua'alaf said in the documentary on Hajj by National Geographic.." The reason we struggle and the temptations and test of the hajj, just simply test us that though we have astrayed, and left far away from the path, we come back, come crawling back on our hands and knees and look up to The Exalted, "

Best interpretation of life..for me. Yup we make mistakes. We learn from them. But what we seldom have is the strength to accept the consequences. I guess thats one part of that our elders forget to tell us when we are re-assured that its ok to make mistakes. My, my the elders.

Learning from mistakes and accepting the consequence are as different as apples and oranges. Its ok to say, "I'm sorry I drove so fast and bashed into your wife who was just standing waiting for the bus. I'm sorry. I was drunk". Yup learned your lesson. Now how was that jailed rape as you were left spending 5 years for 3rd degree manslaughter! Bit of a sore in the ass innit!

Oh why not the classic, sorry forgot the condom, I was drunk with passion but by the way I'm not looking for commitment, so ... you'll be alrite with that baby? Though in this circumstances I have to say many women out there are strong enuff to raise a kid on her own. Which in the end makes them admirable that they are the perfect picture of learning from a big mistake, accepting fate and living through the consequences. In the end..the joy of having someone who genuinely loves you makes up for all that was (admit guys we can only love our spouses to a certain extent innit!)

So, not trying to make a statement. Just saying, that I genuinely want to be frends with you ppl out there. In particular for the female amongst us, some I fancy. Pls feel free to test if I am boyfrend material, lover material (nak test drive my wedding tackle dulu ke..which comes highly recommended), or for the extreme nak terus kahwin ke... go ahead. If I dont make the cut, well its not fate then. But be assured that I will be a loyal frend.

But if you start testing frendship. To see the extent of a frendship. Just by setting fear factor challanges just to see how far I will go before I crack...AS A FREND! Than adios. So, appology accepted. I just dont want to see you again. Question to other bloggers, wouldnt you do the same?

The lost and ancient art of communication: a reflection onto thee

I realised recently, that not only does my 'kilang' suffer from the lack of communication, but due to such adverse exposure to this environment, this failure of communication has become part of my psychic anatomy. And so it is, this post is ment as an expression of my guilt and forgiveness for all the wrongs I have done due to this personal dominant deficiency.

Victim 1

It has been sumtime now that I have had a fallout with big sis. For what you may inquire? Over nothing but my own ego over matters that I presumed are relevent and reflective to myself at that particular point. I never understood my big sis's failure to have a fix relationship once. Also I never understood her frustration in life and why she perceives that all the world is againts her. I grew upset with her prudent display of arrogance towards all matters that she holds, to the point that even in a capsule of mistakes, she would maintain her conviction of her actions. For this, I seek the appology for such perceptions and assumptions. For this, I realised how tough the world can be when you are all alone and you feel no one understands what you are going through. For this, I understand how hard it is to find decent relationships when working commitments get the better of you. For this, I understand that sumtimes, just sumtimes, the last thing you need is for somebody to tell you you can't do it when much has been done under your own accord. For this, I beg forgiveness for not understanding the terms you were in then, which are the terms I am in now.

Victim 2

There was a stage when I thought I was the luckiest guy on earth to have close frends and a special one I call bestfrend. Then as times past, commitments at the job intensifies, absence of hellos followed by, life took on a different time schedule. Reality check, in your absence your bestfrend found solace in his other close frends. My, my the green jealosy eyes, for I thought I was forsakened. And..for that I seek the appology. For the times I should have called rather than to expect a call. For the times I should be patient and steadfast on the frendship rather than expecting reciprocation for your efforts. For that, I seek forgiveness of believing I mean nothing to you when in fact, the frendship has never died. It just needed a "hello".

Victim 3

To the love of my life, Anisa. To the one that I have given my heart, I sought to understand our existence once. Clashes of perception and behaviour provided the colors of our illustrascious demise. For that, I seek forgiveness for not turning back that faithfull Saturday, when at that time our love still ment strongly and all it took was for me to get back on that no 24 bus and run back into ur arms again. For this I seek forgiveness for not fighting back the circumstances, to easily fall short of my own self pity, thinkin that u deserved better when I should be the one who will make you happy. For this, I seek forgiveness for succumbing to my ego of not wanting to be an option, to raise the white flag rather than go down the path of love bleeding with conviction and died knowing you have fought with all your heart to win yours.

Victim 4

Sumtimes, maybe sumtimes we should be wary of what we wish and what we promise ourselves. Never make promises you cant keep. And never make rules that you know would probably bite at you one way or another. To my soulmate, I beg you forgiveness. I beg forgiveness for the fact that I could have just called and ask to hear your voice. I should have not waited when you have always been there waiting. I should have never put up this cold persona to turn you off and beg you to forget me, when all I want now is for you to be with me. I should have never assumed that things were in the bag, when in fact, it was just the beginning. And above all I should have just ask, let my heart fly with all the grace that to have me entirely intoxicated by you..and not feel the fear of the unknown certainty.

In conclusion, all my victims suffered from my ego and reluctance to just clear the air. And such air could be just cleared with a simple hello. Again, communication. Thank you my soulmate for showing me the error of my way.

Now, if only I could find away to seek forgiveness for that snickers bar I pinched at 7 Eleven during the 1993 nationwide blackout...hmmmm

The sense of belonging.

Here is an excerpt that appeared in a WWF (wildlife federation) add that I think would benifit us all.

" The question that we all ask, as humans, and as the race of man, why are we here? We know that planktons are the basis for food for the sea, that spurns the living in the seas. Small ameabas and micro-organisms that help to provide life on one surface.

We know that trees are here to provide oxygen. We know why lakes are formed to make basins for the balance of life on terrains. And like all, why other species exists, so that to live in the whole cycle of life.

I do not know why we are here, but I do know that of all creations we are the ONLY beings that have the power to protect these other species ....and even to protect ourselves."

Very powerfull. I must say. Saw the add, a tear kinda shed a bit. Hmm, maybe getting to sentimentle thses days.

So, to reflect on my side..why am I still in this factory? Well, for what its worth, the long hours, average pay, intense pressure, sleepless nights and all backaching job...I have the power to change the lives of 24 men and their families. In me they come by and trust their very lives (literally) with. With every greased sweat and nights they sacrifice coz.."I believe in Cik Mat". The feeling when I had to retrench a person, very good worker and he just looked up to me and smile and said, "Cik Mat. I know things are worst. I am in the bracket. Lets just let things be. It was an honour working with you , sir"

People. We have responsibilites. To our wife, children, frens, workmates, and every person in the world. As of when the situation happens, we must act tactfully.

To those people who still wander on their inexperience and waffle about we make mistakes, I dont know what I am or what decisions I would do, forgive my innocence of negligence, no need to worry learn from mistakes...life will fall back..I pose you the question of sincerety.

If you are sincere in a relationship, you wont hide behind false pretenses. If you are sincere in frendship, then you would not do upon a fren what you would not want a person to do on you. If you are sincere in work, striving to be the best is your objective.

In life..there are no best frens, just close frens. There is also no bad frend. There are just frend. Logically, why be frens with bad people, right?

I have been used and abused by many. People who say they would love you, they dont. People who've loved you fell out of it. People who say they would like to give it a try, only to leave you high and dry the minute later. Basically, the one who loves me is my family, a guy called Acat (close frend love onelah!) and the factory.

Thus..I am officially putting up the coat. Dah malas. To those who know me, I have tried. My ever so depleting finances in my pocket as testament to my expensive trying to give the lady a good time expenditure. Not to mention the have to be there on time. The waiting. The breakdowns and factory time I sacrificed. Well, begone you women.

So, makciks. Red light open. Go ahead. Get me someone with breast. Face who cares. Got tummy lantak pi. She has only one purpose... and that is to procreat, bear my children. Shutup. Cook and have sex as of when I want to. No more mister nice guy, ahmad the gentlemen. As of now, once arranged..its contractual.

However I would still keep my promise. That girl would still be the person i have sex with till I die or if she tak tahan and leaves me. That girl would still get a b'day present. I will take care of her meals and her expenses and ocassionally treat her to a nice dinner. I will not raise my hand or abuse her nor will a bruise be place on her.

Its just that..my dear girl..u are like a car. A contract. I do not love you. CAn you live with that?

The Journey...

It has been awhile. In fact, actually it has been ages since I visited this blog. Took time to step back and stare. Took a deep look at what I wrote, what sense I was trying to make, or if there was any sense at all. Well...still trying to figure it out.

A wise operator here in the factory once said, that things are not what they seem. What you think you know, you know not. What you know not, you actually are pretty damn good at it. What does this leads to.. well I recently had a journey. A journey that more or less made me realised that sumtimes you need to crash and be jolted once and awhile. It helps.

Few months ago, I got my self admitted in for what appeared to be denggi. Yes, The Ahmad Zafrullah was admitted to hospital. Not to say that I'm that superfit (which I believe I am, but thats just what I believe innit!) but for the past 27 years of my existence I have never been hospitalised. Anyway, denggi was common. So I thought, ahh well just another day. Try to enjoy it while I can. But then suddenly my blood test results was perculiar. Thus... begins the the very emotional rollercoster ride of blood test results. I had like this fluctuating platlet levels which made the doctor a bit worried. He eventually sent my results to a hemeatologist and we waited patiently (yeah right!) for the results. Speculation grew with every result. THe dreaded assumption was...maybe sufferring from leukemia.

Leukemia. Hoho. Thats pretty great. Hey lads, got like few years to live. Or not. Hope to visit Kinabalu though. The fear and redemption at that moment was pretty intense. But then.. it was maybe. Yes! There might be a chance that all this is a dream, a mistake, maybe I'm drunk or sumthin? This is one bad HANGOVER!! Wake up! Wake up!

But wait! Its not a dream. I'm sure coz they just pinched me with steroids and to all who doubt this it is true.. streroids do give you wet dreams. The nurse told me this. It was kinda cute. She said, "steroid nih nanti kekadang dia macm ade effect sikit. Dose kite bagi nih agak besar so kalau rase nak terkeluar tuh, jgn tahan kasi keluar aje" And I am like, "Dia buat kite tak tahan kencing ke?" And she was giggling and said, "tak heheh..yang satu lagi tuh alah takkan tak tau"

Well, 2 times cumming on the bed sure enough thought me that 1) steroids sure do crazy stuff on you 2) that mandi junub with a drip is sure hell frustrating. So yes. You are steroids injected. Your body is struggling to make platlets and for god sake the bloody hemeatologist sure is taken her damn sweet time.

Thus, in mind in state, of all consciousness and all there is left to ponder, you turn to the One you have ignored...God. Suddenly a poem comes to mind;

" Tuhanku, aku tidak layak untuk syurga mu (God, I'm not worthy of your heaven)
tetapi aku juga tidak sanggup menaggung (Though your damnation I cannot bear)
siksa neraka mu (in ur place of condamnation)
Oleh itu kurniakanlahm (In you, bless me with)
keampunanmu, ampunkanlah dosaku (Forgiveness of all there is)
sesungguhnya engkaulah pengampun (As you are the forgiver, and the Keeper)
dosa-dosa besar (Of Heaven)

So, in a nutshell..God is always close to you when you need Him. So people came and met me. In disbelief actually most of them as the news spread that I was in ICU. But then when they look at me and see me smile, they start saying that I cant be that chronic. Hahah. Me to. I keep telling the doctors that I'm fine but they seem to think otherwise.

So..it is with this realisation that I try to find solace in another..that would be my soulmate I guess. But readers explain me this..At what point does a soulmate is better then an acquintence or fren? Well, let me see. An acquintanced called, came the next day and brought fruits. Second acquintance called, brought naughty magazine and fruits. Frens from factory called and nearly more then half the staff at Continental M'sia visited even the CEO. Best fren came. Had to bring g/fren to shove in face of currently sick b/fren of "how sad you are dude!". So far.. frens and acquintence score 1 : soulmate score ZERO (0).

Soulmate sms, telling you to get well. How the hell do you do that I might ask. That was it. Later waiting for follow up sms.....no reply. Couple of days later..got 1 sms. Ok. Same thing...get better. I'm trying my dear!!

Then, like the silver lining of sunlight from the brim of a cloud after a storm, the hemeatologist appeared. There's nothing wrong with you. Your body make big platlets in emergencies so we kinda wrongly counted them. Wrongly? Not a nice word to be coming from an Expert!! Then again.. ah well. The worst is over.

So, back to normal. Back on my feet. And back to life. But in that shrt journey I realised that God is always hearing you, so He more than deserves your worship. I realised that u've still got frens, company cant work without you and there is no such thing as soulmates. Frens and acquintences are just fine.

To my special someone (d' soulmate u know who you are). I have cared for you eversince my heart fell for that innocence. I still do care. But pls, dont tell a person ur sumeone when infact you are no one. The time I needed you the most, a fren needed you the most..I was left high and dry. How can I be special when even hellos are hard to come by.

Like a journey through the forest of Slovakia (hence the pic) I find my opening, that forever this heart of mine will be torn. As this is my punishment for the wrath of the Almighty for the sins of before.

And you know what...the journeys not ended....it just begun